Debbie Harry, you were right. It is a pain in the ass. This week my dating score is 0 for 2, and for the purpose of this post scoring doesn't mean "scoring" in the home run/through the uprights sort of way. Not even close. Shit, I would give points to it not being hell. Am I really asking too much?
Two blind dates. One was a huge turtleneck with feet and the other was nice, smart, even fun to talk to, but was so far from attractive I left feeling like a horrible human being. It's not that I need beauty, but there has to be chemistry. I have to be able to look at the person and feel something (hopefully many things). I feel vital these days and I am not ready to give that up.
Here's the thing. I feel like I keep having the same things thrown my way, over and over, and although intellectually I think it means nothing, at some level I wonder if it's a sign.
My mother once told me a joke. it goes something like this:
There was a terrible flood. A very religious man waited on his roof and prayed for divine intervention. A boat came toward his house.
"Get in," shouted the boater. "We'll save you."
"No", cried the man, "G-d will save me."
The scene was repeated twice more, before a helicopter finally arrived and hovered over him. Once again, the man refused help on the same grounds ... G-d would save him.
The man drowned
When he arrived in heaven he looked at G-d with obvious confusion.
"I placed my faith in you and you let me drown," he complained.
"Let you drown?", exclaimed God. "I sent three boats and a helicopter!"
My mother finished it off with the moral of the story: "G-d helps those who help themselves".
It seems that every guy that comes my way is "great" in a number of ways, yet fails to meet my expectations in at least one major palpable way. In all fairness to myself, I am a firm believer that the things you can "put your finger on" are only a fraction of the story - the tip of the iceberg. If that one thing really bothers me, chances are there is more to it than that. Both last night and the night before are perfect examples. I didn't like either of them, mostly because they didn't meet my physical requirements, which is shallow, makes me feel terrible, sends my mother into her, "give him a chance" diatribe with the insinuation that the moral of my story is that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.
I don't thing I will be alone forever but the guilt I feel is coated in a fear. What if they were my boats, my helicopters?
What if I just missed my ride?