Friday, April 25, 2008

did, did, did, did, you hear the falling bombs?

Has anyone else noticed that the birds are louder this year?
Maybe there are just more of them.
Or maybe it's that the winter was so long and cold.
It's a good sound.
It makes it seem like everything is going to be alright.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

wet nurse

Anna called me mid-morning. I was preparing for my first big meeting with the head of the department.

I was pressed for time but I put my notebook down. She was telling me about the house she was looking at when I remembered my dream.

"I had a dream last night that I was breastfeeding a newborn baby."

For a moment I forgot about the meeting and I forgot about the phone, lost in the details; the dark haired baby, swaddled firmly in white flannel. There was a time when swaddling sick babies was my specialty. But this was different.

"It was so real."

"Ew", she laughed, bringing me back to the conversation. "You were a wet nurse?"

She might as well have kicked me in the stomach.

The more I think about it the more it bothers me. I mean, is this how my friends see me? I can't be a mother even in my own dreams?

I am the best friend a girl could ask for; I have perfected the science. I love their children. I am their Tia Rachel or their Auntie Rachel. But I am more maternal than most of my friends put together—they would tell you that—and yet a dream like that to Anna could only mean I am lending out my services in some sad role straight out of the dark ages or some la leche breastfeeding cult.

If she had time to consider her reaction she wouldn't have said it. I know that. She didn't mean to hurt me. I guarantee she doesn't even know she did. But the message was loud and clear, from a place that never lies.

As I type this the phone rings. It's Anna.

"Fuck you", I say to my empty apartment. I let it ring.

Friday, April 11, 2008

my indents

My two indents,
One on the left hand side of the couch.
One on the right side of my bed.
Those are the two places I spend my time
And somehow the self-indulgent ramblings matter
When there are no other people to bear witness.
If I die tomorrrow
What will I leave behind?
The many items of clothing
Hundreds of books
Hopeful furniture
Blue bag of recycling
Canned diced tomatoes
Zinfandel I've been saving for the right time.
Three boxes of whole wheat matzoh
Take out menus
Photographs of my friends and their children.
My artwork
And the spaces;
I have two.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

if the dizzying highs don't subside overnight

This weekend was exactly what I needed. Sunshine, glorious sunshine. Double digit temperatures. Finally it feels like spring has arrived. I even saw a robin when I was running today. It was the first time I've been running outside since the fall.

I bought some clothes for work, did laundry, pressed my own shirts for the first time since I worked in the restaurant industry ten years ago. In fact back then I used to pretend I didn't know how to do it so that my roommate would do it for me. That and sew on buttons. As the granddaughter of tailors, I should be ashamed of myself. Truth is, I know how to do both. I am actually pretty good at it, and I like it. How did I not figure that out until now?

Friday night I found a new burrito place in my neighborhood and a friend and I tried it out along with a very good bottle of wine. Burritos and malbec; a great combination.

Wait, let's go back to Thursday night. Went for dinner at mini market with my brother's girlfriend. That's my second time there and I have to say the food is great. The grilled calamari is perfection. I can't wait to go back just to have that with the spicy chinese long beans. Plus little italy never gets old for me.

Went to see Emily Haines a week ago tonight. Stayed out pretty late for a school night. Haven't had that many vodka and sodas since... Well, a long time. Let's not go there. I was so much better behaved this time around.

One week later and my night looks very different. I am sitting on the couch watching the Junos [Go H!] in my PJ's, with a tomato sauce stain on my left boob, in a t-shirt that says, 'that's how I roll'. So it is.

Back to Emily. I love her voice; I love the music, although I am more of a metric fan. Apparently she is too. She wasn't really into playing her solo material.

"Maybe I'm just happier now", she suggested at one point when she was having trouble remembering how to play a song on the piano.

She said she was working on a new Metric album and maybe that's part of the reason she wasn't feeling it.

Still, she was incredibly interactive and she captivated the audience. She even sang a little sex pistols. A girl after my own heart.

About 45 minutes in, in the middle of Dr. Blind [my favourito], she stopped playing. She asked if anyone in the audience could play it and then she sat off to the side and let three or four people come up, one by one, and make their attempts. A few minutes later she joined them back on stage and sang a Metric song while one of them played guitar. Part way through that she thanked everyone and walked off stage, leaving the group of audience members to finish the song without her. And that was the end of the concert.

Some people were annoyed, but she sounded great, she kept the audience on their toes and completely engaged. She was unpredictable and I loved it.

As you can see, I can not for the life of me take pictures properly without a flash [I kind of like this one though]. I was given some good advice on this once, but I clearly need to review that lesson.