Wednesday, January 19, 2005


In just over a month I will be leaving to go south. I can't wait to smell that warm balmy air. Nothing in the world matches that. That being said, I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I may hibernate a lot of the winter away, but when it is 15 degrees below, I dress properly and genuinely say to myself, "this isn't so bad...I can deal with this". What a trooper!

So S hasn't called me. I was thinking at first that I should call him, but sometimes I do not want to be the one to make the move. I am still contemplating but if I don't call him by tomorrow than I think it is too late. I was thinking back, trying to figure out why he didn't call. I asked myself if maybe I was too talkative or too something... I stopped myself at that, because there is just as much of a chance of that being the reason as anything else. He isn't gorgeous or immensly charismatic, so maybe he was intimidated. There is just as much of a chance of that than the latter, so you know what? I will go with the intimidation version. It's not like I am going to change my performance for the next date, so take it or leave it. Hell! Maybe he didn't like my pink purse with silver studding and rhinestones. Like my new purse, people will either love me or hate me - either way, the purse and the personality are here to stay (well, in the case of the purse, here until I don't like it anymore).

Sunday, January 16, 2005

hairy doorknob

Back from the date and making lasagna. I can't even come up with a nickname for this guy. He just doesn't have any annoying quirks. That makes it sound like it was perfection (something I am truly not expecting). It wasn't, but iot was fun. S was really genuine, interesting, with a good sense of humour. I can not think of one thing about his personality that annoyed me, which must be a first. He wasn't pretentious, flaky, over-eager, insecure. All of that being said, while I wasn't necessarily physically attracted to him, I wasn't not attracted either (I know, double negative, but you get the point). It was only a coffee so expecting sparks in an hourn might be lofty. The only wierd thing is that when we were leaving, he didn't refer to a next time. I was waiting for him to say something after I thanked him for a nice time and he didn't. I guess that means he may or may not call. I would be happy to go out for a second date, so we will see how it all pans out.

I got this thing for may hair - it is kind of like a scrunchy elastic, but it has what looks like human hair all around it. When I put my hair up with it, it makes it look more full, kind of funky. It is kind of like a women's toupe...I will call it my "system". So I decided that the best place to store my "system" would be my bathroom doorknob where I keep hair elastics. It looks hysterical! I might scare my guests, but I find it amusing ever time I walk by. My friend is on her way down to see my hairy doorknob...and borrow a CD.

the life of a single girl

I am going to hop in the shower in a minute - I have another date. I know less about this guys than the last blind date, but I did have a couple of phone converstations with him. He is my age and lives downtown. He seems nice and laid back. I have a good feeling from him personality-wise, but we all know that there is more to chemistry than that. I hope he is cute and not too short, because I really enjoyed talking to him. I guess the most exciting thing is that I didn't find him annoying in any way. He wasn't over-eeager at all. I don't often feel that way.

I still wish I could meet someone by accident. Blind dates and internet dating seem so artificial. I won't even go there with "speed dating". I can not bring myself to that. How people can describe that as fun is beyond me.

One of my friends since childhood just had her THIRD baby!!! I can't believe that. It is so far removed from the life I lead.

Another Sunday roles around and I have reading to do, dread of Monday to feel, and a date to get ready for. Aaaaah, the life of a single girl.

Stay tuned...

Tuesday, January 11, 2005


Like New Years Eve was not meant to turn out despite all of my plans, I am organizing my final clinical grad school placement, and it seems that no amount of planning will ease me away from the one place I didn't want to go - back to the first place I worked as a new nurse. Sometimes fate seems undeniable. Like my classmate said to me today, maybe this is my chance to go back and leave feeling good. There are also some undeniable advantages to the area of practice. I am drawn to the situations and circumstances of the families you see in critical care. I find myself drawing on these experiences, looking at ways of re-conceptualizing care. My hope was to be in a new area that made me want to be in the hospital setting the way I thought I wanted to in the beginning. Sometimes the best thing to do is ride the wave and see where it takes you. I only hope that this wave is smooth and gentle, leaving only seashells and seaweed, not destruction, in its wake.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

because I want to

Had a horrible headache all evening. It is cold and there is supposed to be a storm tomorrow. I think I will go to bed now...

Monday, January 03, 2005

separation anxiety

Back to work and nothing much has changed. Things were fine there, but I was restless sitting at my desk. I get that way sometimes and I just want to "forest gump" it - walk and walk and walk..... I left work and walked toward home until my ears were hurting too much from the cold. I took the subway the rest of the way. Right now I am between my after work sleepy phase and my second wind. It is almost a guarantee that soon I will be wide awake.

Last night I read until 11:30 and then I turned out the light. I probably fell asleep sometime after midnight and woke up at 1:10 AM from a terrible dream. I was crying out loud. It was about my mother. She was telling me to do something a certain way and I was taking notes. She kept telling me I was wrong and I had to keep erasing everything I wrote. I pleaded with her to just let me do it (whatever "it" was). I told her she was being like my old boss who never gave me the benefit of the doubt. I though that would get through to her but instead she coldly informed me I would have to prove myself. I knew that no matter how much I proved myself it would never be enough. I was overcome with frustration - devistated. I was pinching her and wailing. I remember thinking, 'how can she think this? I am almost finished grad school'.

I feel so uncomfortable about this dream. It is particularly interesting given my entry only a couple of hours before the dream where I rejected my inner "Mother" and took back the night. I don't know exactly what it was about but I feel like it is dripping substance. I feel that as I am coming to accept myself without solely attending to others, I am distancing myself from her. I think that I was so aligned with her before that she is like the other part of me that wants me to stay where I was. This is all so confusing and traumatic. One of my worst fears has always been about separation from my Mother, and at some level, growing more comfortable in my skin means creating that separation.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

I'm hot

My apartment is so hot. Do you think it is normal that I make no move to turn down the heat? Sadly, I am so excited to not be cold now that I am back from being in my parents freezing house I am relishing the heat. I wonder if it isn't good for me to be this hot?

I feel like a 5 year old - I don't want to go to bed (insert kvetchy voice). Maybe I just won't until I feel like it from now on. If I get too tired from staying up, then I will want to go to bed and then I will, right? Why do I feel guilty when I am not in bed "at a decent hour". It is like I have a built in Mother in my brain. I am 30! I love staying up late so fuck it.

It is 2005. Maybe this year will be a big year for me. I will finish grad school, travel a bit, find an interesting career path, write, paint, dance, have fun, and meet someone (not in any particular order).

is there anybody out there

I wonder if there is anyone out there that reads this blog.

It is Sunday - not just any Sunday, but the the Sunday before I return to work after holidays. Amplifying the gravity of the day is that many do not go back to work until Tuesday. I wish that I didn't work tomorrow. I would much prefer a Monday-Sunday. It wouldn't feel as bad because it is not really a Sunday.

My Mom bought me a tank top that says "kvetch" in hebrew-oid lettering across the chest. I love it. The reason it occurs to me at this moment is that I should stop kvetching. Truth be told, I don't feel any particularly strong "Sunday" feeling today, so I am not sure why I exaggerated it so. I will just chalk it up to entertaining myself.

I got a contact from a cute guy over the holidays. I emailed him today and he emailed back. Still sounds cute. Will keep you posted.