Monday, January 03, 2005

separation anxiety

Back to work and nothing much has changed. Things were fine there, but I was restless sitting at my desk. I get that way sometimes and I just want to "forest gump" it - walk and walk and walk..... I left work and walked toward home until my ears were hurting too much from the cold. I took the subway the rest of the way. Right now I am between my after work sleepy phase and my second wind. It is almost a guarantee that soon I will be wide awake.

Last night I read until 11:30 and then I turned out the light. I probably fell asleep sometime after midnight and woke up at 1:10 AM from a terrible dream. I was crying out loud. It was about my mother. She was telling me to do something a certain way and I was taking notes. She kept telling me I was wrong and I had to keep erasing everything I wrote. I pleaded with her to just let me do it (whatever "it" was). I told her she was being like my old boss who never gave me the benefit of the doubt. I though that would get through to her but instead she coldly informed me I would have to prove myself. I knew that no matter how much I proved myself it would never be enough. I was overcome with frustration - devistated. I was pinching her and wailing. I remember thinking, 'how can she think this? I am almost finished grad school'.

I feel so uncomfortable about this dream. It is particularly interesting given my entry only a couple of hours before the dream where I rejected my inner "Mother" and took back the night. I don't know exactly what it was about but I feel like it is dripping substance. I feel that as I am coming to accept myself without solely attending to others, I am distancing myself from her. I think that I was so aligned with her before that she is like the other part of me that wants me to stay where I was. This is all so confusing and traumatic. One of my worst fears has always been about separation from my Mother, and at some level, growing more comfortable in my skin means creating that separation.

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