Tuesday, May 31, 2005

crazy to a mind spa

I was thinking today, how when I meet someone and if it gets serious enough, it is bound to come up that I am in therapy. I have been in therapy for a long time. Some would think that is a red flag - I probably would in the reverse situation. Should it?

The contextual piece is that I am not pathological. Slightly neurotic, leaning toward self-indulgent, and continuously fluctuating. Some days a little crazy, on others therapy is like going to a mind spa.

I will add it to the list of things that someone can just take or leave (please let someone really great want to take it).

Saturday, May 21, 2005


I discovered something about myself beyond my being in the mood for preppy punk rock.

What I need is generous margins. I need not to cut things so close that I am falling off the page. I need room to breath. I need to know that with one false move, the bottom will not drop out. I can be messy and complicated. I can also be precise, but when I am, consider it an indicator of serious problems. It's not good. It is how I manage the unmanageable.

I have been building this extra room in my life, and now I am finally ready to meet someone. Whoever it is will have to be the kind of guy that allows for space, wide and open.

almost black

I am feeling so much better now than yesterday - still congested but better. Last night when I was at my worst, Lana called to check up on me. I told her I didn't know if I should have a shower or go get a movie.

"What, you can't do both?"

"Leave me alone", I whined, "I feel sick!"

I chose to put a hat on and went to Blockbuster in a hidious state. I woke up this morning and moved from bed to couch. I watched tv and then another movie, and when I could no longer stand my own dirt, I took a shower.

I immediately felt like a new woman. I went to my appointment and the sun was shining. I felt weak and pale. I wore my Black Sabbath t-shirt and my white lacoste runners - love the mix. I had dinner with Anna and Adam. We watched a movie and Anna and I gave ourselves manicures.

I filed my nails down and painted them dark red - arterial blood red. Almost black.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

what works for me

The ball is in my court but I have left the game. By ball I mean email and I still don't know if and what we were playing, but Simon emailed me back, said he was going to be on call the weekend I was in Montreal, but if it all works out, "it would be cool to hook up". Now if that doesn't scream, 'I'm crazy about you', what does?

He is done. He won't hear from me again.

I sound cold. I am. In fact, right now I am home sick - I have a cold. It came on suddenly and with a vengeance. I have been watching movies and blowing my schnoz all day. My head aches, my throat is like razor blades and I am starting to cough. This sucks. Just in time for the long weekend - my MO - only get sick when you are on vacation or on the weekends. I guess I could look at this as an extended weekend, right? The only place I am going today or tomorrow is the movie store and to see the tenor.

This morning I watched Hiding and Seeking, and Enduring Love. Interesting combination. The documentary was really well done. Such an interesting and human perspective. Messy, with much grey. Few clean lines in the second movie as well. On the surface clean lines are what I always think I want, but it is so very unsatisfying - quite the paradox I have set myself up with.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Friday the 13th

He wore a pair of runners. On one he had written, "Jesus", on the other, "Christ". His hair was a true orange/red and spiky, growing out a mohawk. His skin, freckled and pale. He was outrageous by anyone's standards, and unpredictable. Mostly he was fun. So much fun. He was the last of my innocence in many ways. We called it dating, but it was really just talking, laughing, punk rock music listening, back tickling, hand holding. Still, there was so much passion there. We planned to run away to Montreal. We discussed every detail, how we would hop a train and stay with his friend Platinum when we got there. Having a friend named Platinum and being a stowaway on a freight train didn't seem farfetched with him. Nothing much did.

It was Friday the 13th, but for the life of me I can not remember what year. It could have been 8 or 9 years ago. I just can't figure it out.

I still remember the phone call.

"Did you hear?"

"No. Fuck. No"

It was the only thing he ever did that I could not believe, could not comprehend.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


Today at the hospital I felt pretty good. After a few days of listening and observing I was able to spend some therapeutic time with a Mom. I didn't say much, which was how I knew it went well. She did most of the talking and she certainly had a lot to talk about given the situation. I think part of my frustration has been that I have been a passive observer up until now (that and the PTSD). I was afraid the entire placement was going to be futile.

My stance with Simon is softening. I am probably a sucker. I am in no rush to respond, but now I am thinking that perhaps I should continue contact. Back in March my friends invited me to go to Montreal at the end of May to meet up with another friend and I decided against saying anything to Simon before - I wanted to wait until closer to the trip to see where we were. Up until today I was thinking I would either go and not see him at all (which fits into the cutting off contact decision) or not go at all, which is frankly what I felt most like doing...until today. Now I am throwing around the notion of telling him and seeing him if he is interested. I guess that would tell me where this is going...

Monday, May 09, 2005

what the f

Simon emailed again. Very casual but with lots of exclamation points. Setting the mood of disarray? The only flirty thing he did (which he almost always does) is refer to me with a cutesy nickname (e.g., goldy, little goldy, goldlet). What? WHAT????? This is driving me crazy. I was almost done. Maybe I still am. I will think on it. My options are to write back and maintain status quo, send email re: my genuine confusion, or do not write back at all. I have no fucking clue what I should do. The thought of sending that email makes me wonder if I really want to push it into an official relationship. Anyone? Pope? Really any advice would be nice. -and yes I do know it.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

plateau breather

Despite a large pimple on my chin, having spent the last 2 weeks in an emotional hailstorm, bearing witness to sadness at work and with friends (too much to go into right now), today I feel good. It is sunny and warm, there is a big party tonight that I am helping plan and I am looking forward. Tomorrow I am going for a run in a park with a friend (sans orthotics). One of my closest friends is back from a month away and I really missed her. I bought an adorable lunch bag, painted my fingers and toes (first time doing it myslef in a long time) and it turned out nicely. I am wearing a cute outfit today: black bohemian skirt with t-shirt, pink blazer and great summer shoes. I bought a pair of pink havaianas and bought my friend a pair with a matching tank for her birthday. I went on a date with someone else on Thursday, which wasn't great, but going counts for something.

Simon wrote me on Monday to find out how I did in my run. I wrote him back and haven't heard from him since. When I checked email this morning I was strangely relieved. As far as I am concerned, it is over. I even have an email prepared to send him that puts it all out on the table should I hear from him again. It feels ok.

Thursday, May 05, 2005


Working in the hospital feels surreal. At moments I am under water. There is a lot of saddness and horror there, and at moments I am overwhelmed with fear. These are fleeting moments - mostly I am fine but they leave a bad taste in my mouth. I was hoping that coming back here would make things better, would inspire me. It feels like I am not at my best in this environment. I wonder why I feel like I need to try to be. Maybe instead of inspiration to do this well I will be inspired not to do anything like this.

I rushed home to go for a run, like that might sweat away this feeling. It did and didn't. I wore my orthotics for the first time and I ran hard. I am pretty sure I pulled every muscle in my legs. Then I came home and put pizza in the oven, which was delicious, but I burned the roof of my mouth as a direct result of my impatience to eat. I feel lighter, but now I have a sore palate and legs.

I have to hop in the shower and get ready for my big date. I haven't forgotten about Simon, but I am kind of trying...kind of.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

traffic report

I think my site meter is busted. Now I realize my blog is far from swamped, but the Pope did visit the other day, which failed to be recorded. I need a new meter.

Total ............................ 0
Average per Day .................. -
Average Visit Length ............. -
This Week ........................ 0


Sunday, May 01, 2005

a machine

Highlights of the day:

(a) receiving a comment from the Pope on my previous post
(b) shaving an entire minute off my 10k time, bringing me down to a mere 64 minutes.