on running away to join the circus

It wasn't as good as I hoped - hearing Simon's voice. I called him and left a message. He called me back. We talked and the conversation was ok but slightly uncomfortable, much like the last. What if I like the idea of you more than I like you? Don't I deserve to have someone who is crazy about me?

If I keep getting this strange vibe, forget it. I feel like I am wasting energy. I just don't get it. Why bother playing with my hair for hours? Holding me? Staying over? Leaving to move your car in the morning and coming back when it would have been easy to leave? Calling me the next day to say you had a good time? Writing long (and semi-impersonal) emails? Returning my call promptly, only to have a semi-impersonal and slightly boring conversation?

If it is because you feel bad, please stop. I have been and always will be fine. I am ready to fall in love, but not this way. Not like this.

sandcastles

Last night I had dinner at Jess and Trevor's. They made the most delicious food. I got a little tipsy and we talked and laughed. They really live in the hood, which made for some interesting entertainment as we sat on the back deck (overlooking a crack alley). There are few opportunities to watch these kinds of activities safely.

I am running a 10k tomorrow and I am nervous. It transports me back to summer camp time trials. It was torture. Funny I do it to myself willingly now.

I am potentially going out on two dates next week. One is a second date and the other a first. In the meantime, I have yet to respond back to Simon. I will either write him back or call him today. I am leaning toward the phonecall. I am tired of emailng, I think it would be good to hear his voice.

that girl

I have spent the last several days completely freaking out. Really! What the fuck? I am only now emerging. I mean, was that really necessary? The doubt was closing in, I emailed Simon, Simon didn't respond...for 2 days. That, my friends, was the trigger.

The truth is it is hard to know if this was a momentary lapse in sanity or if I am picking up on something. I guess only time will tell. It just sucks to be that girl that never puts herself out there and suddenly, I'm out there. The seatbelt doesn't work, the building is structurally unsound.

stop

One minute I am great. I am living my life, feeling good. The next minute I am drop-kicked by doubt. My extremities actually get cold. This feels terrible, almost to the point that I want to get out of this car at a stop sign. At a rolling stop even.

clearly going to explode

Like many dreams there was a plane crash, but this time instead of first hand, I was watching it on television. I had returned to my parents condo in Florida to get my cigarettes (?). The news showed a close shot of a half a jumbo jet careening across a street only to bounce off a building and ricochet into a gas station where it was clearly going to explode. The entire time you could see each individual passenger inside the half jet. I was crying and my mother kept trying to change the chanel.

when things were simple, they never were

I remember we were driving in Franny's Mom's enormous station wagon - it was the three of us and we were the centre of the world. The car was beige with wood panneling, and had a seat in the back which faced out. It was a mess. The apholstery was ripped and the engine groaned and choked. It was always a miniature celebration when it started, like wherever we were going was meant to be. We were stoned that night. I can't remember where we were going. Ren popped in our mix tape. Driving downtown we took Gladstone, and the car was really moving. It was picking up speed, heading to the famous sloped bump in the road. Anthrax and Public Enemy cheered us on, Bring the Noise. We belted out the lyrics. I was afraid for my life and the hash wasn't helping. Hitting the slope, the wagon lifted. The entire world was still for what felt like a full minute. We must have cleared 6 feet.

no accident

I have been transported back to grade six (oddly my most creative year). I have never been more prolific than I have of late. I have written a small amount here, but much I hesitate to post. For a variety of reasons really. Part of me thinks that to publish my poetry would diminish it. It seems I may have spent the last while in neutral space, only visible now in a backdrop of contrast. I keep spilling, I need to spill. It is more a necessity than an accident.

when the waves came

I dreamt of a clear warm shallow ocean. I was wading through, soaking in the sun when the waves came. They appeared out of nowhere and were enormous. They lifted me high, my stomach in my throat, returning me with suprising tenderness only to lift me again. With each swell came fear and with fear came exhilaration.

wincing

Doubt, don't you dare come near me right now. I am not interested in having you around. Your zombie presence is palpable. Any minute a ripped sleeved arm will smash through the window, grabbing and stretching. Move on to the next victim.

Let me relish in the flashbacks, wincing at each jolt of electricity. I wonder if it stems from the ovaries?

morning after

This morning I feel sexy. It was nice to have someone's hands in my hair. On very little sleep I am going out to meet my friends for lunch. I have to hop in the shower but a part of me is afraid I will wash it all away and it will have never happened.

open

Open sternum
Pelvic exam
Forgetting to flush
Still talking when the music stops
Public speaking
People reading my stuff

on doubt and impatience

Looking back at the last seven days, there has been so much going on. Today I went out with another guy. Sweet but slightly affected. I can't put my finger on it. Or perhaps, according to the theory below, I just didn't like him. Some of it may have to do with Simon. I really wasn't up for going out with someone else but I have no official reason to alter my routine.

He is travelling to the city for Passover and coming directly to my place Friday night. I am nervous and excited. These are the kinds of feelings I haven't had in a while. I keep thinking over and over that if nothing else comes from this, I am thrilled to know that my dating theory holds true. Doubt was creeping in each time I sensed impatience in my friends and family, everytime I got a, "just give it a chance'. What it comes down to is that you shouldn't have to try that hard. If you like someone, you will like them in spite of flaws you would have deemed to be the reason for not liking them had you not. Confusing, but I think it makes sense.

this morning

It has been days of yellow sun. The world is fresh, sweet, brimming, teeming.

lights are out

Somehow frivolous fun was a crime. Enthusiasm and freedom of thought and action were punishable offences. This was part of my subtext, but that is changing. The change requires a separation. Separation is my greatest fear - separation is an end. I can do this. I have come to trust in a way that an infant does when they learn that things don't dissapear just because the lights are out.

This week I became a minimalist. Saying too much was dangerous, but I stopped myself before I sanitized the life out of me. I have learned to recognize when I become vigilant, gravitating to rigidity. I bring it into view and move on.

This week I have a lightness in the heart, butterflies in the stomach, involuntary random smiles, poor appetite, the impatience of a 15 year old, difficulty falling asleep, and more energy than I need. I can go with this. This is what life is all about!

out there

There is nothing quite like this feeling. It is worth it just for this. We went out again last night. I am shocked that I like him - I wasn't planning on it but I do. He is cute, he feels nice. I need to focus on work now. I love that it is hard for me today. I just needed to get that out there.

once you go through, you can't come back

We talked from late afternoon until night. Not just anyone can squeeze into a revolving door with me and get away with it.

I forgot how vulnerable liking someone makes me feel.

pas de deux

Sipping an americano, sitting on my balcony, writing. It is a warm spring day with so much potential. I asked Michael when he would visit. I am waiting for an answer. I asked Simon if he wanted to get into a crowded elevator and shoot to the top of an unnaturally tall structure. He accepted. Today is many things, but dull is not one of them, though I feel content and relaxed.

Today I stopped in at Starbucks on my way home from the grocery store. I was planning on taking my coffee to go, but upon overhearing a conversation, I took a seat nearby. One man leafed through a stack of sheet music, the other leaning back in his chair. They talked about the music, how the set might look. The word 'stylized' kept coming up, along with a french term with multiple words I have heard before but can't remember. I know it reminded me of 'pas de deux'. I left, taking the rest of my coffee home.

Soon I will have a long shower, shave, exfoliate.

fermished

I had such an amazing day. It is beautiful outside. I got up, had a bite to eat, met a friend for coffee, went for a great run, figured out how to style my new haircut, got a wax (which I realized when I got home was completely fermished), had a mani-pedicure, and tonight I am going out for dinner with friends. I brought home a half-caff americano and ate some granola to tide me over until tonight. My ex Michael emailed me out of the blue...again. What does that mean??? Why does that make me so happy? Still, I am looking forward to my date tomorrow - The resident is back. He wasn't supposed to be around until Passsover, but he emailed this week to say he decided to come up. We are going out tomorrow night. Despite the somewhat sophomoric vocabulary, I find him kind, witty, and clever. He is also very cute, and more than three apples high. There is a small chance I am mistaking some things he says as sarcasm. For example, when he said he would bring a haki sak so we could play, I thought, "how terribly funny", then wondered, "what if he was serious". I guess this is where I just have to wait and see. Isn't being single great?

occasionally looming

My friend has been thrown one of life's curveballs. It is sad, awkward - something that you might find on TV or hear about a friend of a friend of a friend that has been through it, yet it happens all the time. It is something that threatens many, occasionally looming for a period of time, but like a storm, it usually moves on, blue sky in its path. Her cloud is is a greenhouse gas - stubborn, threatening to poison, destructs slowly, and may never move on - life may never be as expected.

Life failing to meet expectation in this way is tragic. I am glad to be an outlet for her. I am a nurse, so I should be good at this, but I can tell you it has never come easy to me. Never.

I guess this is my outlet.

dinner guest

I like buying flowers and taking them on the subway or walking somewhere with them... I love carrying flowers.

in the bones

My body aches. Like the growing pains I used to get when I was small, only they remained long after I finished growing. It is in the bones of my uppper arms, just before the shoulder. The forearms, toward the wrist. Lower legs under the knees.

Today on my way home I felt like crying. There were no reasons.

I am afraid today, and sad. Sad for the Pope, for Peter Jennings, for life that has passed too quickly, for things not turning out as expected.

I am uncomfortable. Sometimes things feel messy.

I look forward to wearing my new shoes, getting my hair done, going out on a second date, non-school related reading and writing, ballet, and painting classes.

I hope that good things happen.

finding la mer

Last night I dreamt I had a big jar of La Mer face cream. I was carefully cleaning my face in preparation for putting on the cream. It was the kind of dream I sometimes have where I find money and I feel happy and lucky, only this time it was La Mer (which might as well be money).

smoke signals

History is unfolding before our eyes. It goes along with moments like the death of Princess Di, 911... These are the moments we will still remember clearly when we are old and can remember little else. Talking with my mother the other day, I told her that I felt sad about what was happening to the Pope. I guess I find it strange that I feel so sad, being Jewish. My Mother told me that it will be interesting for me to see how the whole process works. She explained the conclave, the secrecy, the white smoke signal. She remembered it clearly from 25 years ago - when I was little - too young to remember. It suddenly occured to me that my mother was exactly my age at the time. "It felt like yesterday". Her words sucked the breath out of me, ground whipped out from beneath my feet. This moment screamed to me of my mortality.