morning after

This morning I feel sexy. It was nice to have someone's hands in my hair. On very little sleep I am going out to meet my friends for lunch. I have to hop in the shower but a part of me is afraid I will wash it all away and it will have never happened.

open

Open sternum
Pelvic exam
Forgetting to flush
Still talking when the music stops
Public speaking
People reading my stuff

on doubt and impatience

Looking back at the last seven days, there has been so much going on. Today I went out with another guy. Sweet but slightly affected. I can't put my finger on it. Or perhaps, according to the theory below, I just didn't like him. Some of it may have to do with Simon. I really wasn't up for going out with someone else but I have no official reason to alter my routine.

He is travelling to the city for Passover and coming directly to my place Friday night. I am nervous and excited. These are the kinds of feelings I haven't had in a while. I keep thinking over and over that if nothing else comes from this, I am thrilled to know that my dating theory holds true. Doubt was creeping in each time I sensed impatience in my friends and family, everytime I got a, "just give it a chance'. What it comes down to is that you shouldn't have to try that hard. If you like someone, you will like them in spite of flaws you would have deemed to be the reason for not liking them had you not. Confusing, but I think it makes sense.

this morning

It has been days of yellow sun. The world is fresh, sweet, brimming, teeming.

lights are out

Somehow frivolous fun was a crime. Enthusiasm and freedom of thought and action were punishable offences. This was part of my subtext, but that is changing. The change requires a separation. Separation is my greatest fear - separation is an end. I can do this. I have come to trust in a way that an infant does when they learn that things don't dissapear just because the lights are out.

This week I became a minimalist. Saying too much was dangerous, but I stopped myself before I sanitized the life out of me. I have learned to recognize when I become vigilant, gravitating to rigidity. I bring it into view and move on.

This week I have a lightness in the heart, butterflies in the stomach, involuntary random smiles, poor appetite, the impatience of a 15 year old, difficulty falling asleep, and more energy than I need. I can go with this. This is what life is all about!

out there

There is nothing quite like this feeling. It is worth it just for this. We went out again last night. I am shocked that I like him - I wasn't planning on it but I do. He is cute, he feels nice. I need to focus on work now. I love that it is hard for me today. I just needed to get that out there.

once you go through, you can't come back

We talked from late afternoon until night. Not just anyone can squeeze into a revolving door with me and get away with it.

I forgot how vulnerable liking someone makes me feel.

pas de deux

Sipping an americano, sitting on my balcony, writing. It is a warm spring day with so much potential. I asked Michael when he would visit. I am waiting for an answer. I asked Simon if he wanted to get into a crowded elevator and shoot to the top of an unnaturally tall structure. He accepted. Today is many things, but dull is not one of them, though I feel content and relaxed.

Today I stopped in at Starbucks on my way home from the grocery store. I was planning on taking my coffee to go, but upon overhearing a conversation, I took a seat nearby. One man leafed through a stack of sheet music, the other leaning back in his chair. They talked about the music, how the set might look. The word 'stylized' kept coming up, along with a french term with multiple words I have heard before but can't remember. I know it reminded me of 'pas de deux'. I left, taking the rest of my coffee home.

Soon I will have a long shower, shave, exfoliate.

fermished

I had such an amazing day. It is beautiful outside. I got up, had a bite to eat, met a friend for coffee, went for a great run, figured out how to style my new haircut, got a wax (which I realized when I got home was completely fermished), had a mani-pedicure, and tonight I am going out for dinner with friends. I brought home a half-caff americano and ate some granola to tide me over until tonight. My ex Michael emailed me out of the blue...again. What does that mean??? Why does that make me so happy? Still, I am looking forward to my date tomorrow - The resident is back. He wasn't supposed to be around until Passsover, but he emailed this week to say he decided to come up. We are going out tomorrow night. Despite the somewhat sophomoric vocabulary, I find him kind, witty, and clever. He is also very cute, and more than three apples high. There is a small chance I am mistaking some things he says as sarcasm. For example, when he said he would bring a haki sak so we could play, I thought, "how terribly funny", then wondered, "what if he was serious". I guess this is where I just have to wait and see. Isn't being single great?

occasionally looming

My friend has been thrown one of life's curveballs. It is sad, awkward - something that you might find on TV or hear about a friend of a friend of a friend that has been through it, yet it happens all the time. It is something that threatens many, occasionally looming for a period of time, but like a storm, it usually moves on, blue sky in its path. Her cloud is is a greenhouse gas - stubborn, threatening to poison, destructs slowly, and may never move on - life may never be as expected.

Life failing to meet expectation in this way is tragic. I am glad to be an outlet for her. I am a nurse, so I should be good at this, but I can tell you it has never come easy to me. Never.

I guess this is my outlet.

dinner guest

I like buying flowers and taking them on the subway or walking somewhere with them... I love carrying flowers.