Wednesday, January 10, 2007

the other side of the coin

On the way home I though about ordering thai food from Sublime. Eating burn-your-mouth spicy food was all I could think to do with myself. Food as medication. On the way out of the station I called 411 as soon as I got a signal.

"Welcome to directory assistance." The computer voice said. "What city and province please?"

"Toronto, Ontario", I answer, loud and clear. I hate these stupid fucking machines.

"Is the number you are looking for business, government, or residential?"


"Alright. What is the name of the business you are looking for?"


"I'm sorry, we were unable to recognize that response. Please try again."

"Sublime", I said again, only this time louder, looking around the subway station to see if I had aroused attention.

"I think you are looking for Doctor Harvey Stein. If this is correct-"

I hung up and put the phone in my pocket. It was that or throw it across the street. Fine. I'll take that as a sign. No thai.

Just then I heard the phone beep. It was a voicemail from Harry, telling me he was around the corner from my place doing a sound check and happened to have an hour before he went on and wondered if I could do dinner. I've never been so happy to hear someone's voice.

Contrary to my 'lucky' post, my week's kind of turned to shit. The doctor called me back about an abnormal test result, then there's date number three with Andy. He wants to have drinks or order in at his place and I feel freaked out for some reason. At dinner, Harry asked if I thought that might be because I like the guy.

"No", I answered, without hesitation, but then qualified it. "Well, I don't know. That's just it. It's too soon."

Everything feels either too fast or non-existent and I just want it to feel smooth, like butter. And then there's someone else I dated a long time ago, who's recently single again. We happened to go out for dinner last month with a group of mutual friends and he's been calling me since and no matter how much I try to convince myself he's just being friendly I feel pressure. I was supposed to call him back days ago and I can't bring myself to do it. I could do it at this very moment. I have time, but I don't want to.

Then there's the job. It's not good and I know I need to make my move, but I'm paralyzed with fear because nothing else seems any more right.

My feelings are easily hurt and so things that might never occur to me normally are upsetting me. At least I know myself well enough, in this state, to be open to the possibility that I might be reading something into nothing. I'm open to clarification.

So when Harry asked me questions about Andy I started to get agitated. It stirred it up for me. I think it's anticipated pressure. It's like I don't even know if I would want Andy, but I'm already sentenced to going along, somehow, as he wishes and at his pace. It's a hundred percent my problem; my creation. I realize that, but it's very hard for me to change the way I see things.

I caught myself before I went off the deep end in the middle of the restaurant, blinking the tears away, although not before Harry noticed. Of course that made him inquire further, but I asked that we save it for another time. The way I'm feeling seems crazier than it really is. It's just hard to explain.

As we were leaving we were opening our fortune cookies.

"You will bring sunshine into someone's life", I read aloud. "What's your's say?"

"You are going to give someone with food in their teeth a big hug."

"Oh no! Are you serious?"

He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed as I ran my tongue across my teeth, searching for the offending food item.

"How long's it been there???"

I probably had a whole lettuce leaf hanging out of my mouth in my moment of drama. Insult to injury.

He just laughed.

Standing on the dotted line, mid-traffic, trying to cross Yonge Street, I told him, "I just want to bring sunshine into someone's life."

"You bring sunshine into my life", he answered.


chapman said...

it's like watching one of those tv shows where the two main characters just won't get together! it's frustrating, but it invariably draws the audience in. win-win.

Rachel said...

It's funny that's how it comes across and I won't complain if it draws people in.

I'm not consciously rooting for it anymore. I'm not sure if I ever was completely; at least not for the right reasons.

Since my intial freak-out seems to be subsiding and I had a great time last night and it's Friday, I'm actually looking forward to figuring out where things are going to go with the new guy(s) who've been hanging around.