I found it easier to come home and blog when all I had to work with was a mundane subway ride home. When my days are packed with everything from joy to tragedy, it's a little paralyzing. As I was typing that a line from the old song Itchycoo Park [which I love] jumped into my head.
'It's all too beautiful...'.
Except some of it's really horrible. Even the most horrific of circumstances has an element of beauty to it. Still it's excessive, even for the seasoned professional. They say the bad stuff comes in threes, but this week has me asking, how many sets of three?
I don't know...example? The other day, I was involved with my first bereavement; taking care of a dead infant. Part of this kind of care is to take photographs and hand and foot prints and then transport the body to the morgue. It was a difficult thing to do, no question, especially after getting to know the family so well. It's also uncomfortable and frightening. Maybe that part gets easier. I imagine it will, down the road, but still... To make matters worse, as I was transporting the patient to the morgue, I passed another patient of mine in the hall, walking with a visitor. Keep in mind the transport container is well disguised so they had no idea what I was carrying. As I got up close I realized this visitor was a guy I went on a blind date with about six months ago and had never called back. He recognized me right away and I said hi but kept on walking. I was afraid he would confront me in the hall or that I'd have to talk to him with the package heavy in my hand. I didn't want to be going to the morgue and I couldn't get the image of the photographs and the tiny hands and the feet out of my mind and all I could think was, 'please don't stop me, please don't recognize me'. I felt like I might implode.
And that's just one little moment of many. Sometimes it's too much to even put into words so I'm being vague. And it's too much to call a friend and talk about. Trust me, no one wants to hear.
I forgot what it was like to be forever haunted by this kind of stuff and not know where to put it. I guess I wait until it's a little less raw and then write it out in some way.
So thats part of why I haven't been posting. I've been writing, but just in no form that I can leave it with you.