Friday, June 29, 2007

on the line

My training at the hospital has just about come to an end. I made it. It feels good to know that I can do this. I really love it. Now I'm a full-fledged part-time employee in the hospital. I bought my preceptor some great products from Kiel's and a round of cupcakes for the rest of the staff to thank them for making me feel so welcome and for patiently teaching, encouraging, and supporting me through eight [often] nerve-wracking weeks.

I spend so much time trying to avoid anxiety, I only hope that next time I'm avoidant I will remember this moment. It feels so good to meet it head on and survive. This is what living is. To do nothing is just that; nothing.

Now if only I could fall asleep. Sleep is still not always my friend. A little help here, a little help there... I'm using the time waiting for the 'help' to kick in, writing about all of this.

So I'll be back at my desk in addition to the hospital work now, running a research fellowship program this summer, among other things. I'm looking forward to that part too. Not only will reuniting with my girls be fabulous [the party is already in the works], running the program is totally up my alley. It's a little like running group therapy for these over-achieving student recipients [of whom I was one only 7 years ago] and I think I'm going to like it. Group process is my kind of thing. It's right up there with interpersonal process. There's nothing more interesting. I'd like to say it's titillating, but I hate that word.

I've also come to understand that attempting to venture out of my quasi-celibate safe-haven, even if it was to hang myself out on the line for Harry, has given me something else. It has reminded me that I'm human and I need not live like I'm not. I'd say it was a real indicator. I realize now that one part of the dissapointment in the aftermath was that I wasn't going to be getting any action. I'd kind of thought I was going to and for the first time in awhile, I was more than ok with that. What can I say? A girl's got needs.


Lx said...

that IS what living is all about.
well, part of it.
it's difficult for people to understand and/or conquer fear.
and even more difficult to move forward making decisions knowing that they may not yield or "pan out."
it's taken me 36 years to figure out that it's all right to take paths that may lead nowhere.
but conversely, they may lead everywhere.
or just at the one place i've wanted to arrive.
the biggest obstacle for most of us is fear.
i'm through with that.
have been through with it for a couple of years now.
it's quite a liberating process, truly and honestly letting go of it, and acting accordingly--no matter if you end up down one-way streets or back alleys or dead ends.
for every dead end, there is the reverse gear.
you get yourself out.
have fun.
have a party.

as for your "needs"
yes, well...we all have them.
but there are certain "aids" for a girl; certain "help" just like there is for sleep.
again...have fun.

Eugene said...
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Rachel said...

Thanks sunshine. I WILL have fun, and this weekend I'll dedicate it to you in honor of your birthday.

Oh, and I know 'help', rest assured.