Tuesday, June 26, 2007

what luck, the nurse is me

Right before I left to go away to the wilderness for a few days [and by wilderness I mean large open-concept cottage on a river in the Kawarthas, deep in the forest, with a hot tub, fully equipped kitchen, good food, drinks, cuban cigars, multiple bedrooms and a great group of friends; my perfect wilderness], I was faced with my toughest day of work yet. While I can't go into detail, it surprisingly did not involve a dead baby or death at all for that matter, expect maybe the death of any hopes of perfection. It was a complex ethical dilemma, so to speak, as well as the building up of and possibly the inadvertant collapse of the trust of a patient. More than that, it was the simple heartbreak of seeing someone living a difficult life and knowing there is nothing I can do about the damage inflicted on them by others...by a whole lifetime of circumstances really.

It was excrutiating and I was helpess. I don't think you can ever learn how to deal with that and if you think you can, I pity you. Not only are there no level playing fields in life, the variations that exist are unimaginable to most. It's a fucking shame.

So I'm back from a much needed few days away, and normally I feel good after getting fresh air and sunshine, but my skin is bad from the heat and the chocolate [I ate crap for three days}, and I feel old suddenly. Maybe part of it is that in the morning I have another of the appointments I've been trying to pretend aren't happening. I haven't been dwelling on it, but I guess it's gotta be dragging me down a bit at some level.

The other day, one of the women I work with told me I looked like a flight attendant. She meant it as a compliment but it got me thinking. When I'm really invested in taking something seriously or when I care a lot about something I'm doing, I become stiff. I think that's part of what's been going on here. The more pressure I place on myself, the more seized up I am in life. That in turn makes the things I want out of life seem more and more impossible. I am going to make sure I don't lose myself like that. I'm sure the women that said that was mostly referring to how at work I tie my hair back neatly in a ponytail and how I often wear those librarianesque glasses, but her observation was a cue for me. The truth is I'm not stiff. I'm quirky, emotional, and sexual in addition to all of the other qualities I tend to value in making me a good nurse, friend, or catch. It's all important though and I have to remind myself of that.

I'm doing really well in my work at the hospital. I'm so glad I took that chance and stepped out of my comfort zone. On a more personal front, I have been and will continue to answer first to myself, and not be afraid of being vulnerable. I even have a couple of different dates in the works.

I am starting to get excited again finally; excited about the possibility of a yet to be determined future.


Laura said...

Rach - you sound so SAD lately. If you ever need to talk to a complete stranger, feel free to send me an email.

Rachel said...

Thanks Laura. I hate that I sound sad, but at least I'm feeling better now than I have been.

The past couple of months have been a little rocky, but most of it was stuff that had to happen. When it comes down to it I'm very lucky. I really am. Reading the blog might give you a bit of a skewed impression of me because unfortunately sometimes the hardest moments are the moments that motivate me to post.

I really appreciate your comment and that you're reading. I'd like to read your stuff too but the link to your profile won't work. Can you send me the link to your blog?

Laura said...

Actually, my friends often tell me that they had no idea how sad and depressed I am until reading my blog. Which makes me feel bad because in that moment I feel "Well, I'm not always THAT sad".

Still, I know how hard life can be sometimes and even worse if you feel like no one wants to listen or understand.

I haven't been able to fix the blogger profile (I've tried) but you can find my blog at perpetualstateofflux.typepad.com


Rachel said...

That's who you are, Laura! You're great. I read your blog already and I quite like it.

Thanks again!