Tuesday, June 19, 2007

money's worth

I’ve kind of let myself get lost in my days off. I’ve drifted along with the flow and spent some time out in the sun, getting my sweat on. Lately I’m all about hill and stairs-training. It’s killer, but it feels so damn good. The other day I hiked around Rattlesnake Point, an hour or so out of the city, with a couple of girls. I realize, besides my stint in SF, I haven’t been out of the core of the city since last December. That's too long. Another night I met friends for dinner and drinks in Kensington. After last week’s drunken disaster I thought I would never drink again, but you know what they say about saying never.

Today and yesterday I have plodded leisurely through the things I need to do in preparation for working this week, like laundry and groceries and food prep. I’ve kept busy, but at a relaxed pace. After this next stretch of work I’m leaving directly for a cottage to spend a few days with my Aussie friends who will be visiting.

The other night Harry called to ask me [again] to go out with him and his nieces. The original plan was for the four of us to spend the day together for lunch and then for a trip to the museum, but after last weekend I told him I wouldn't be able to join them. He said he understood, but he called me the other night, and asked me if I would at least come and meet up with them for a little while. I wanted to say yes because I love those girls and because I miss Harry, but it just wasn’t the right thing for me. I can’t just fall into the girlfriend role because it works for him in the moment or because it works for our little foursome dynamic. I don’t have it in me to be that for them after all of this and I kind of find it amusing at some level that, as smart as he is, he doesn't get that. So against my natural inclination to be what people need, I said no. Not at my expense. Sometimes you need to get your own money’s worth. Sometimes you have to let people feel the lack.

2 comments:

Funk Delivery said...

Good for you, all around. I say that if you fall off a horse because you're too drunk, you've got to get right back in the saddle. But when you say the girlfriend role, I'm pretty sure you mean the almost girlfriend role. Almost girlfriends (and almost boyfriends) end up providing all the emotional support without all the great feelings that come with the true significant other role. Of course, this doesn't mean you have to avoid Harry forever, but just long enough that he'll know things are actually different when you see him next.

Jeans Pants said...

I like that your being strong when it comes to relationships. Thats admirable....is that the word Im looking for? Sounds dorky, but its true