Sunday, June 10, 2007

i've been told

Ever heard of a two day hangover? Well i've got it, in the worst way. I think it's still mostly the hangover, but it's a bit of a broken heart in there too, and that's a horrible combination.

You know, people say all kinds of things. I've been told I look like Kirsten Dunst. Or like Lisa Loeb, but only when I'm wearing my black plastic frames. I've been told a number of times I have keen senses, but like I said, people will tell you all kinds of things. Much of it is shit, especially that last one. It has to be. And sometimes you say things that you can't take back, and there's been a lot of things being said, some of it shit and some of it irreversible.

Two nights ago I went out for dinner with Harry. I got, in hindsight, deliberately shit-faced. At the end of the night, when I knew I'd had too much to drink but didn't really care, I propositioned him.

"Stay over at my place."

"What? Why?"

"Because. Just stay."

"Will you have sex with me", he asked, cool as a fucking cucumber.

"I wasn't asking for sex."

"Well I'm not coming over to have a 'sleep-over'. I have way too much to do tomorrow and I never sleep well with someone else in the bed. If you wanted to have sex, that's a different story, and even then, you're drunk. I wouldn't have sex with you when you're drunk. Only an asshole would do that."

We were outside my building now.

"Besides, what's the point of me coming over just to sleep?"

"I, uh, I don't know.", I stammered. "Can't there be something in between?"

There was a long pause.

"Rachel, I love you, but like a sister."

My heart sank like a weighted bag of kittens.

"I love you like a friend. I wouldn't do something that would jeopardize our friendship."

That last line, as I recall, he repeated several times.

This isn't happening, I thought. I looked at my feet.

"Are you crying?"

I couldn't look at him. Now I kind of wish I'd had that one last look.

I hate that he pretended his rejection of me was for a noble reason. We all know that's shit. I just don't understand how I misread him. I always got the sense that he had feelings for me. I always thought the reason nothing ever happened between us was me. In the beginning, when I said we were too different, he argued with me. In fact he still does whenever it comes up.

He said he was sorry if he'd mislead me. Maybe I'd mislead myself. A part of me had always thought fate had put us together. That it was just a matter of time.

"Look Rachel, I'm attracted to you but that doesn't mean it would last any longer than the other relationships I've been in lately. I'm just not there and it's not worth the risk. I don't want to lose you."

But the saddest part of all is that I was already lost.

I passed out crying like Paris Hilton going back to jail, but when I woke up the next morning, the strangest thing happened. I didn’t wake up treading water in a pool of guilt, the way I would even on the most typical night of drinking. While I woke up incredibly hung over, nauseous, my eyes almost swollen closed, crying again even before I opened them, my head wasn’t crowded. It was clearer than it had been in a while. Maybe it was because I finally told the truth, in the truest sense of the word. My truth.


Hilary said...

I'm so sorry Rachel, but I am in awe of how brave you were to say all that to him!

I wish I had something more comforting to say.

Tired Dad said...


At least you know.

Be strong.

Lx said...

the two-day hangover
can be avoided
the three-day bender
hair of the dog
(whatever that means)

Rachel said...

Thanks H and TD.

Sunshine, I think I'll leave the hair of the dog to you.

Rachel said...

Oh, and in case you don't hear from me for a few days, I haven't taken the long walk off a short wharf. Just pounding the halls of the hospital. Back to work. The last thing I want to do, but probably the best thing for me.

Buenos noches me amigos.

LooLar said...

Hi Rachel,

I'm one of your Australian readers - rare poster but regular reader.

This may sound like just another version of "at least you know" but I think the clearness you felt the next morning was the opening up of new opportunities. Sorting out what was truely going on between you two leaves you free to meet the next amazing person and be open to them and what they have to offer rather than having your heart "on hold" just in case the Harry thing happened.
Trust me, I moved across the country to give my heart a chance - your method is much less dramatic.
Good luck.

Rachel said...

Loolar, I think you're right. Truly insightful.

Do YOU have have blog. I'd love to read more of what you have to say.

Jeans Pants said...

You were strong. Especially for a drunk person. There are few guys out there that will sleep next to you without assuming there going to get some. It kind of sucks. I know what you mean about wanting the in between. I did that the other night. I slept next to someone and we just talked until we passed out. It was nice

Loolar said...

Hey Rachel,

No, no blog. I write for my day job so not so inclined to keep writing in my down time. That said I write a little for myself so maybe one day I'll take that to a wider audience.

Promise to be a more committed commentor!