Wednesday, February 02, 2005

balancing things

Instead of coffee I am taking a blog break. If I don't do something new for a few minutes I am going to fall asleep. I haven't posted in awhile so I will fill you in.

I did end up calling S. I left him a "breezy" message and he got back right away and invited me for dinner. I think I was right. I also went out with another guy - we will just call him boring. Anyway, boring was a set-up through a guy my friend was dating ("was" being the operative word). We went for a coffee and, although nice, I was underwhelmed. Later that week, my friend found out that this guy she was dating, who was supposed to be busy at work, was actually busy with someone else. Ouch.

My second date with S was similar to the first, just longer. He is really nice and funny etc... but shorter than I remember- in fact shorter than me. I am not very tall or heavy (5'6, 140 lbs.), so why is it so hard to meet a Jewish guy who is taller, and weighs more than I do??? Am I looking in the wrong places? Tomorrow night will be date number 3. I am going to take him out this time, for two reasons: the first is that he took me out the first two times, and the second is that, in case I decide not to do a fourth date, I will feel better balancing things.

I have become so self-sufficient that I almost don't feel lonely at all. That scares me a little. The other day, someone who has only been single for a short time described to me how sad they felt. As her eyes began to well up, so did mine. I was so close to tears and I am pretty sure it wasn't for her. I think I need to be open to that part of me to allow myself to be open to someone else. I need to back up a bit, toward my adolescent level of vulnerability. Please don't let me keep speeding ahead in my single life. Before I know it I will be 40. I imagine this process doesn't get any easier as more time goes by.

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