Friday, May 11, 2007


I comb through a million drafts of things to post and nothing seems all that important. Nothing rings my bell. You know how sometimes things just resonate?

I'm in bed in the middle of the afternoon trying go back to sleep so that I can work all night. I'm hungry. Maybe that's why I can't fall asleep. I still want to eat my breakfast lunch and dinner and then I'll be working all night and I'll need to eat then too. I can't very well eat six meals a day. Scrubs aren't flattering on a good day, unless you star in greys anatomy and I assure you they sew those girls into their scrubs. That material has no give. There's no way they'd be able to get their scrubs on and off that tight.

This morning I woke up from a dream of the perfect kiss, with whom I will not say. I did some reading, cleaning, and organizing. Then I went for a run in the beautiful sunshine but the bra I wore wasn't the best and the whole time I kept worrying that I was going to cause permanent damage, or saggage, if you will. Then during my cool down I called Lana to see if she wanted to meet me Sunday for a mani-pedi. I figure it's not in my budget but I need to reward myself for making it through my first week, only Lana reminded me it was Mother's Day and she, in celebration of her first Mother's Day, was spending the afternoon in a spa. I hung up the phone as I was turning onto my street and it hit me. I just don't see why it isn't me. Why am I still alone?*

The thing is, I can handle it right now. I'm still young enough that I can do new and interesting things. I still feel like I have my own life and that there is still some time left for those things, but I'm just not going to be able to go one like this forever, watching my friends celebrate all of the milestones of life. I need my own and I just don't see the point without them. Look, the cool thing to do would be to not admit this. It's not attractive. I realize that, but it's the truth.

*and don't answer that question, especially if you are going to chime in with how you're above that whole coupling off thing and kids are over-rated and how life is about more than that blah blah blah because that's shit and you know it. What else is there?


Lx said...
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Lx said...

that last part.
it's not necessarily shit.
it's shit to some
and not shit to others.
and a whole lot of in between
to many.

momentofchoice said...

just out of curiosity...
what do you want?
why do you want it?
what are you willing to sacrifice?

Rachel said...
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Rachel said...

That's true lx. In all fairness, for people who don't want children, it's not entirely shit. The majority of people however do want children or have them or will have them. And even if they don't, most are still looking for love and intimacy.

Hey T! I haven't heard from you in a long time. Hope all is well.

Is it really perplexing to you why I woulld feel this way? What I want is to have someone in my life; to have a family. What I want is what everyone seems to do like breathing air.

Life is sacrifice. To have a family? I am not willing to just take anyone. I still want to meet the right person. I'm not going to put up with a loveless life or an abusive situation.

When I meet that person, I'm willing to share my life. Is that a sacrifice? I don't think so.

And then I'm willing to give up sleep and piece of mind and money and time having children...

Lx said...

sure it is,
sharing your life.
it is a sacrifice either way.
whether things are perfect
or far from.
and the end...
no one can predict that.
so what starts out as meant to be
may not end the same.
or may.
but sharing a life with someone
entails traversing, sometimes,
some of the most horrific moments
and making some of the most
difficult decisions;
compromises and sacrifices made almost daily.
and even then
there are certain events
which can drive you away
from one another.
not your fault.
and love cannot necessarily coquer all.
events such as:
death of a child, for example,
everything is grey.
and no one portrays their lives
in their true light(s) anyway, so you cannot trust the facades.
usually there are fundamental fissures, but no one will talk about them.
there is a whole lot of lying
and bullshitting going on.
to outside sources
and within.
it is the reason people end up
sitting on a fucking couch
watching American Idol
or Grey's Anatomy
with nothing to say to one another.
these are the ones who log
30-year marriages, grandchildren,
homes, mortgages, cars, trips to
cottages on holiday, granite countertops, etc.
these are the truly soul-less.
the dead.
but if you AX them,
they love one another.


Sam Stecher said...

Hey, how ya been?

momentofchoice said...

you wanting what you want is not perplexing to me at all. i was just curious what your reasons were for wanting what you want. or if you even really knew. and if you're open as to how it might come about. you don't even need to say it outloud here. i am feeling frustrated for you, in your frustration of not yet being where you want to be. but 'yet' is the key word. there is no timeline. there are no rules. you just aren't where you want to be yet. but trust you will get there, if these are the things you truly want (as in, you have a solid grasp on why you want them and you can clearly envision yourself with these things). it's pointless to try to control the timing of it, or the way in which it will unfold, or to compare your life to those around you. no two people live life the same way. i know nothing. the end.

Jeans Pants said...

I have a friend that was IMing me all night and she was saying to me the exact same thing you wrote in your post. Its Deja Vu'ish. I don't have an answer for you which Im sorry.

So you work in a hospital? See, thats sexy. Smart is sexy. Just say "Hey, my name is Rachel and I work in a hospital" then say " when I wear scrubs I look like one of those girls from Greys Anatomy". A little lie never killed anybody =0)

chapman said...

i'm going to make my sounds on the other side of the fence, here.

there's the whole foggy idea that (collective) you don't know why you don't have what you think you should have. giving yourself permission to hold off, and relax, and that there's no timeline might just tend to lengthen the span of time you spend unhappy.

struggling to be patient or not want what it seems i want never seem to really make things better for me. sometimes you have to throw out modern "wisdom", self-help and psychology. it seems to be geared toward accepting things as they are and programming your thoughts to concentrate on positive things. the problem i see is that as you continue to do that, the band of positive gets narrower and narrower as action toward change gets less and less.

i will stop now because my soap-box just broke under the weight of my angst.

momentofchoice said...

i would never suggest to just accept things as they are and focus on the positive pretending that things will happen all by themselves without any effort or pressure. i guess maybe i was coming across that way. there's nothing positive about being unhappy. it sucks. change is definitely needed. i was suggesting that there's no point worrying about the stuff you can't control, variables such as timing and other people, but to develop a clear picture of what you want with an understanding of why that's so important to you, and to be open to how it manifests. sometimes when we try to control how and when and who it happens with, we end up closing ourselves off to possibilities, missing opportunities that are staring us right in the face.

there's a sale on soapboxes at home depot. i'm headed over there now to stock up.

Rachel said...

I love you guys. You're a great group of commenters.

I'm ok Sam/Nebraskka. I have a slightly injured ankle but I love my new job and deep down I know everything will work itself out. I really do know that. Deep down I do, but sometimes I lose it momentarily and everything seems terrible. But I'm good thanks. And you?

Sam Stecher said...

Sam Stecher said...

Me? Grand. I am going to compete in Austin TX at the National Poetry Slam in Aug. So ya, grand.