Friday, May 18, 2007
bottom line [I freudian typed 'lion' instead of 'line', probably because of my lack of courage]
I don't think I've been this bone tired since my first job in the ICU. In one hour I do more important work than I do in a month in my other job, and for significantly less money. It's frightening and demanding and rewarding and frustrating and there are moments when I am so impressed with myself for all I've learned in such a short time and then, only seconds later, I get a flash of the vast canyon of all that I have yet to learn and it's bottomless.
I'm working the whole holiday weekend, which is fine with me. In a city with no family, I've found these three-day holidays a little too sparse for my taste. So here I sit, on my couch, heating up mexican left-overs from dinner with Harry last night. I'm missing his show tomorrow night in Montreal, unfortunately. If I wasn't working, I would have been there. There's nothing like Montreal in the spring. Still it is spring here in T.O., and although it's colder than it has been, it's beautiful. I love that the sunsets are back. For the good months of the year, the view from my apartment is uniquely breath-taking each night. I've taken hundreds of photographs although they never quite do it justice. One day I will do something with them. I started painting my sky once but never finished.
So it's beautiful, it's spring, and I finally made the career move, so why do I suddenly feel like I could cry? I mean do you KNOW how much it took for me to do this? It took taking a job that pays less and doesn't recognize my graduate degree, more balls than I thought I had, delicate navigation around an incredibly difficult boss and a small professional community, and convincing myself and everyone else in my life, over and over again, like what I'm trying to do now, that this is what I needed to do.
Maybe it's hormones.
Posted by Rachel at 9:12 PM