Friday, May 18, 2007

bottom line [I freudian typed 'lion' instead of 'line', probably because of my lack of courage]

I don't think I've been this bone tired since my first job in the ICU. In one hour I do more important work than I do in a month in my other job, and for significantly less money. It's frightening and demanding and rewarding and frustrating and there are moments when I am so impressed with myself for all I've learned in such a short time and then, only seconds later, I get a flash of the vast canyon of all that I have yet to learn and it's bottomless.

I'm working the whole holiday weekend, which is fine with me. In a city with no family, I've found these three-day holidays a little too sparse for my taste. So here I sit, on my couch, heating up mexican left-overs from dinner with Harry last night. I'm missing his show tomorrow night in Montreal, unfortunately. If I wasn't working, I would have been there. There's nothing like Montreal in the spring. Still it is spring here in T.O., and although it's colder than it has been, it's beautiful. I love that the sunsets are back. For the good months of the year, the view from my apartment is uniquely breath-taking each night. I've taken hundreds of photographs although they never quite do it justice. One day I will do something with them. I started painting my sky once but never finished.

So it's beautiful, it's spring, and I finally made the career move, so why do I suddenly feel like I could cry? I mean do you KNOW how much it took for me to do this? It took taking a job that pays less and doesn't recognize my graduate degree, more balls than I thought I had, delicate navigation around an incredibly difficult boss and a small professional community, and convincing myself and everyone else in my life, over and over again, like what I'm trying to do now, that this is what I needed to do.

Maybe it's hormones.


Jeans Pants said...

I feel so bad. You seem so stressed and confused. Im trying to figure this out. Maybe I missed a blog or just don't remember it. So you started a new job, that pays less and is more work? Was the last job not in the field you were pursuing but this one is?

Well, whatever the case is you can do it. It might take a month or so to adjust and push through the hard times but you can do it. You say you don't have a family where you live but hey at least you got you blog friends where ever theres a computer =0) Just sign on, vent, ask advice, we'll try and help =0)

Rachel said...

Hey JP, thanks for your kind words and for reading. You didn't miss anything really. I haven't talked a lot about the new job. The old job was in a research role and the new one is back in the clinical setting (I'm a nurse). It's something I want/need to do in order to do some of the other things I'm interested in doing later on (i.e., my own research or an advanced clinical role).

Hope you're having a good weekend.