from the islands with love

"I don't understand why you women here are so focused on what you eat. In my country men like their women big."

Coming from a frustrating doctor's appointment this afternoon I was in no mood when I walked into the lab for bloodwork. The woman taking my blood pressed her fingers along my forearm, searching for a good vein.

"A little bigger is beautiful", she continued, "like you".

Oh no she didn't.

"You're beautiful", she continued. "So beautiful, but your veins are invisible."

She was silent for a moment but I didn't look up. I couldn't. I imagine her face would have been set in concentration - focused on her task.

"Perfect", I said. "Just perfect". It was exactly what I didn't need to hear today.

She didn't seem to notice.

"Well, I can't SEE them, but they're here", she added. "I can feel them".

If only she was as skilled at sensing feelings.

I used to be a scrawny kid. I stayed thin through high school and university, but in my mid-twenties I put on some weight. I remember the days when I was 114 pounds and I thought I was fat. Now I'm 5 ft 6, 145 lbs and a size 10. Deep down I know I could stand to lose some weight but part of the reason why I was so thin before was because I didn't always eat. It's hard for me to figure out a way to limit myself safely. I try not to go back to that place in my mind. What I really want to do is carve my body like a fucking turkey, but that's never good. I guess I've had my head in the sand on this one so maybe I needed that. Thanks bahamian bee-otch.

***

Anyway, I was thinking just now, If I could have a moment alone, without the lawyer, the rockstar, the girls at work, the students, my boss, my friends, my family... If I could have that moment alone I could probably get more writing done, but then it would be the summer all over again and I would be miserably prolific. What's worse?