Tuesday, November 21, 2006

close call

The rockstar shakes his head
Trying not to smile.
"Your quirky", he tells me.
"That's what I like about you."
The lawyer always looked confused
When I was
Taken
With a moment
A tree
A smell
A painting
An encounter
He was at a loss for words
If you can imagine that.
A lawyer at a loss for words.
Not irritated
Not inpatient
Just confused.
He had a subtle way of overlooking me
In the most important places.
I carried it for a while
But it's a lot to swallow, you know.
And it's heavy to hold on the tongue.
I was relieved
Instantly that night
When he left my apartment
Which begs the question
Why?
Why don't I listen
To my inner voice?
Maybe because the same voice
Tells me things like
Don't sit out alone
On the rooftop patio.
A killer might be waiting
To throw you over the edge.
Or the ever so popular
'Something's not right'
And the 'I've got a bad feeling about this'
'This' being just about anything.
And so in my case
Filtration is a challenge.
Pushing the voice aside
Swallowing
The doubt
The fear
The guilt
As I've had to learn to do
I tried to imagine
He was the one I was waiting for
And I just needed to look in the right place
In the right way
So I tried to get at him
Like a dentist with a drill.
But when I got down to the gums
I saw there was nothing.
All the while
Offering myself to him
In manageable portions.
I’m enough for a farmer’s field.
Lush earth
Silent at the surface
Teeming at the core.
In the end
I smiled and sat down next to him
As if to brush the conflict aside.
None of that matters anymore
I said without saying.
I topped up our glasses
Knowing his would still be there
When he left and
I placed the palm of my hand
On the back of his head.
As if to commemorate
The best
Of a narrow selection.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

it's funny how it popped so clearly into my head when reading about you...that point being that if you trusted yourself, there would be very little of this doubt, wonder and confusion about what's supposed to be happening. you would just go toward what you knew you wanted. because you trusted that you could make that judgement.

or maybe this is just something i need to remind myself of, and your life triggered it.

Lx said...

wow, chap is ripping it up with his comments to-day. stop making me think, man.

but also...Lawyers in general have not much to say. in the grand scheme of things. and certainly not when it comes to fleeting moments of lucidity regarding one's soul.

Rachel said...

I'm just thankful to have a place to throw myself around and thankful to have people like you guys around who generally have something to say.

momentofchoice said...

"Why don't I listen
To my inner voice?
Maybe because the same voice
Tells me things like
Don't sit out alone
On the rooftop patio.
A killer might be waiting
To throw you over the edge.
Or the ever so popular
'Something's not right'
And the 'I've got a bad feeling about this'
'This' being just about anything."
-----------------------
It's not the same voice.

Rachel said...

You are probably right T.

It's hard to differentiate when deep down you don't want to, which reminds me of a great line I read in a post yesterday about how people will believe anything when they need to: Tired Dad: Pulling More Than a Pint.

Tired Dad said...

Very Limited Wisdom of Tired Dad: The last Relationship only makes sense when you're into the next one.

You come across as completely superb, so I doubt it will be a long wait.

Don't stop writing.