Wednesday, June 14, 2006

death by apathy

I'm overwhelmed by apathy. Is that even possible? It seems oxy-moronic, but I think I am. Alarms are going off all around me, although a whole lot less dramatically than it sounds.

You know when someone seems to be looking at you, but you can tell they're not really looking at you - they're almost looking through you? Maybe they're day dreaming, they're tired, or like the girls outside Hooker Harvey's on Jarvis and Gerrard, they're a little dead inside?

Have you ever felt yourself do that? You can feel yourself slip away?

Lately, I've been doing that a lot, in a rocking-yourself-to-sleep, banging-your-head-against-a-wall kind of way. Like a flickering lightbulb, I feel as though I am being warned. I think it is my dysfunctional way of dealing with unwanted stimuli, like the happiness of others, the sadness of others, my own existence, or lack thereof.

"The baby's kicking, do you wanna feel?"

"I was beside myself after the wedding make-up trial. It just felt like I was wearing a mask! What am I going to do? Do you think I should go to Stila and buy the colors I like and get them to do it again?"

"Sandra's going to be late. She's trying to buy maternity clothes and she's so big nothing fits, poor thing."

"I got into med school!"

"Why don't we go to Little Italy, have dinner, and then see a band?"

"They were really impressed with your work on the report."

I fear that soon I won't even notice it anymore. I'll become desensitized, no longer be able to heed the warning. My light will go out and I won't even know.

I fear this kind of death more than any other kind. I don't want to die like that.


Lx said...

"no one saw anything coming at them;
everything continued like a lazy freight train
click-clacking on the tracks heading south
into the wave of humid haze."

someone once wrote that.
he was leery of the same things you write in this post.
i don't see it as apathy, but more like a camera which cranes back and up, up, up, to get the clear big picture...and then the realization of how insignificant our mortality or fingerprint really is. The grandeur of all of it is our own, big illusion.

But the trick in all this is figuring out how to go on. Yes? It all harks back to Sisyphus.

We can sidebar all this in an email, if you wish. If not...have a good weekend and a better trip to "Texas."

Rachel said...

Sometimes I get sick of everyone elses' big illusion. I would like my own moment, my distraction - to be oblivious for once, but I was 'blessed' with the ability to see through everything. It prevents me from getting caught up in the merry-go-round and it also prevents me from having fun.

In the end we all go nowhere, whether we think we are going somewhere or not. But here I am, looking on from the sidelines. Always looking on.

Maybe not for long though...I feel I'm getting ready to do something. I don't know what it'll be, but something.

Anyway lx, Ole, ole, ole, USA - have fun.

Lx said...

Ole, ole, ole, ole....USA, in the toi-layyyyy.


go drink.