I am going to a wedding this weekend. Why the hell would anyone want to get married in February? Unless you're somewhere tropical, it makes no sense. Cold and dead is far from romantic.
I took something to sleep and I can barely keep my eyes open. Sometimes I just need to put it to bed, you know? I Tivoed 24 but I can't focus. And suddenly I am in the mood for talking context. Talking anything. Insert something about the 'dying light' and 'rage'. I know how much I like to read context from others. I want to break away from the metronome for a moment. Back to the races.
The big deal about this weekend is that I'm going to a wedding and I will see a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. I'm nervous about it for a variety of reasons, but to add a layer of complication, Jess will be there. On one hand having Jess there is a huge comfort, but on the other, taking comfort with him comes with land mines. For the masses who read this on a regular basis, in case you didn't read that far back, Jess is one of my lifelong friends who told me he had feelings for me over a year ago. At first it was a drunken exchange at another wedding, but he persisted over the followng weeks. He hasn't mentioned anything in a long time. For a variety of reasons, I had to tell him it was never going to happen. I had to be swift and decisive because he wasn't getting it right away. This wasn't easy given that I love him and frankly, on the surface, he would seem like a perfect 'catch'. He could give me everything I have ever hoped for, but every'thing' is not enough.
It's hard when you're ready to settle down and someone waves the proverbial carrot. He makes me feel sexy. I can see it in the way he looks at me. Always with the looking, but it is more than that. I also see a flash of a real future. It catches my eye, but when I try to pin it down, I can no longer find it. I know it isn't there. I just do. It's hard that in the back of my mind I wonder. I will either wonder forever or until I meet someone that I fall in love with and then I will never wonder again. That's what will happen. I will or I won't...wonder.
Whatever. I just can't read through this, edit it, or make it any more interesting.