Thursday, February 23, 2006

too tired

I am going to a wedding this weekend. Why the hell would anyone want to get married in February? Unless you're somewhere tropical, it makes no sense. Cold and dead is far from romantic.

I took something to sleep and I can barely keep my eyes open. Sometimes I just need to put it to bed, you know? I Tivoed 24 but I can't focus. And suddenly I am in the mood for talking context. Talking anything. Insert something about the 'dying light' and 'rage'. I know how much I like to read context from others. I want to break away from the metronome for a moment. Back to the races.

The big deal about this weekend is that I'm going to a wedding and I will see a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. I'm nervous about it for a variety of reasons, but to add a layer of complication, Jess will be there. On one hand having Jess there is a huge comfort, but on the other, taking comfort with him comes with land mines. For the masses who read this on a regular basis, in case you didn't read that far back, Jess is one of my lifelong friends who told me he had feelings for me over a year ago. At first it was a drunken exchange at another wedding, but he persisted over the followng weeks. He hasn't mentioned anything in a long time. For a variety of reasons, I had to tell him it was never going to happen. I had to be swift and decisive because he wasn't getting it right away. This wasn't easy given that I love him and frankly, on the surface, he would seem like a perfect 'catch'. He could give me everything I have ever hoped for, but every'thing' is not enough.

It's hard when you're ready to settle down and someone waves the proverbial carrot. He makes me feel sexy. I can see it in the way he looks at me. Always with the looking, but it is more than that. I also see a flash of a real future. It catches my eye, but when I try to pin it down, I can no longer find it. I know it isn't there. I just do. It's hard that in the back of my mind I wonder. I will either wonder forever or until I meet someone that I fall in love with and then I will never wonder again. That's what will happen. I will or I won't...wonder.

Whatever. I just can't read through this, edit it, or make it any more interesting.

3 comments:

The Fed Ex of Funk said...

If everything is not enough, what's more than everything?

Anonymous said...

nothing is everything. those who are looking for it will never find it because it doesn't exist. "always with the looking." ha! good one. any subtleties in that "looking?" or just ogling? it's my #1 complaint about men in general--nothing subtle. nothing of substance. always looking. good luck. take a chance. get hurt. get angry. fall in love. fuck it all; you need to experience the gamut. otherwise you really don't live.

amp

Rachel said...

Hey FEF. Every "thing" is not everything.

And nothing is everything.

I get hurt, angry, and I fall in love daily. I waste a lot of energy trying to stop that.