For a variety of reasons, most of which were out of my control, I spent almost an entire weekend in solitude. It did very little toward making a case for staying in this city. It feels more and more over for me here.
It did show me how I have gotten used to being entirely self sufficient. I even went to a movie yesterday alone, for the first time in my life. I didn't mind. It was Match Point, Woody Allen. I love the tennis analogy. Love the tennis. Hey, I guess there is something I can't do alone.
I also discovered that I have stamina. I can run for 45 minutes, do a one hour pilates class and then later, still make it through an hour long spinning class.
Another thing - there is something to be said for carrying around an apple. Much like carrying flowers, holding a crisp green apple when you're walking down the street, looking in shop windows, waiting for the right moment to take a bite, feels special somehow. it just does.
The problem with all of this is, learning how to be alone is not what I needed. I have been doing that for an awfully long time. As I waited for the movie to start, it seemed absurd that I am still alone. There has got to be someone out there for me. Someone who is waiting for me just like I am waiting for them.
This afternoon at a beauty product store, when the saleslady asked me if I wanted the jumbo size of a product, I told her,
"Oh G-D no. I wouldn't buy a bottle that big. Hell, I could be dead before I finish that."
And I wasn't really joking. The look on her face was priceless. I know it almost sounds like a cry for help, but it isn't. It's just that we live in a world of possibility, and inherently luck could send the ball to either side of the net.