Thursday, October 20, 2005

one grey day in the cemetery

When I look into my future too closely, it gets smaller. I see the handful of heartfelt statements, the milestone moments, counting the number of casualties. They are all a blur before they even happen. What if some of these things never happen and others happen at all? That occupies my mind, forcing me to get so close I can only see it in segments.

I see a commercial on tv and in a moment my life flashes before me: All of my dreams. my mortality, wondering if the people in my life really understand how much I love them.

Bad things could happen and will. It is too painful to imagine. Years go by lightening fast and before I know it my light will go out and I will cease to exist at all.

Will someone someday jog through the cemetery, reading aloud the names on the graves, as I did today?

"Harold Hartford Mackenzie", I read to my friends in a pretend stern voice. "He was a good man." They rolled their eyes, laughing. I continued,

"Do you think old Harold would have thought, 70 years after he died, that someone would speak his name?".

But does it matter? It does, I think, somehow.

It is my tendency. It ribbons through everything, this push-pull, grey-less place.

If I talk about it enough will I find a way to stand back?


Alcatone said...

I've often thought about the same things. I hope there's a way of tuning in when we're dead, even just as a marketing study.

And commercials cause my world to crumble. They're the first step towards human implosion.

Rachel said...

i think i am imploding

fcudk - my wor ver is on the same page

Lx said...

I wonder...does it make any difference if the people in your life understand how much you love them?

Or is the real answer just the fact that you DO love them as much. THAT is the virtue, you know. Your love for them. Not their understanding of it.

Rachel said...

For me, unless you say it, unless they understand and it is spoken, it doesn't exist. I guess it boils down to fearing mortality or some shit like that.

Lx said...

no, i don't think so. i think it's validation. just another layer of pressure we put on ourselves. it should be enough that we feel that and we give that. we shouldn't care what happens to it and how it's perceived by the other side. And certainly it DOES exist even if it's not acknowledged, or reciprocated, or understood by the other party. To say it doesn't exist, just takes away from your position and your virtue as a human being. and that's not fair.

Lx said...

for an example of what I mean, take being a parent and raising a child. all your energy and love and sacrifice will go un-noticed--at least for a long while (at the very worst, forever). It may even be un-appreciated (think teenage years). that doesn't negate any of it.

Rachel said...

You are exactly right, it does not negate any of it, but the insecure parts of us might worry that when it is invisible and no one notices, it can feel like it doesn't exist. In reality, it exists in its purest form when it is invisible. I think too much talking and telling and showing take away from what it is.