Wednesday, August 01, 2007

a little Shoshanna

I recently read something on another blog that frightened me. It was how someday, eventually, someone you know is GOING to read your blog. The thought of that possibility horrifies me to no end.

It scared me so much that this afternoon I wanted to immediately remove my post from the other day; the one about the problem I have with my friend "Shoshanna". I wanted to go back into my archives and start clearing things out. I've wanted to do that a million times, but today I got the sense that I was on borrowed time.

Maybe part of it is that I'm not so anonymous anymore. At least not with my blogger friends. Another big piece is the reason I started this blog under an assumed name. I am a coward. Then there is the old saying, 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all' and I am a sucker for anything that plays on guilt. And so I feel guilty. A good person would not write things like that about their friends, would they? Probably not, but maybe my goal in life isn't to win The Best Girl in the World Contest.

But I imagine all of us say all kinds of things. Beyond those little nagging fears and insecurities I like to think there is a purpose to all of this. I think any kind of writing, without the veil of anonymity, is a brave act. Unimaginabley brave.

In reality there is no "Shoshanna", but there is a little Shoshanna in everyone, which is the point of all of this I think.

Shoshanna is one of my characters, based on someone in my life. I imagine if she read my blog she would figure it out and she would be upset with me.

And I would like to imagine that I would be strong and brave enough, like so many writers I admire have, to live to tell the tale.

4 comments:

Lx said...

i don't think
the little shoshanna
that you describe
in the previous post
is in me.

i like your lamp.

Rachel said...

No, I don't think you have her in you. But most people have come across those who do.

Tired Dad said...

FUCKING PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

I have TOLD close friends and family that I 'do' a silly web-thing. With this result: they wait until I say something that matters. I've been published (in a real book - that you can only buy online) and still no-one is bothered.

Rachel (or whatever it is), no-one cares, or is looking, and even if someone you knew found your place, they would never EVER make the connectioon because people just DON'T. As you were.

Rachel said...

I like it when you talk to me that way.

Ok, perhaps I used the words "based on" a little too loosely. All of the important points in that post [wow that was a lot of P's) are real; only some of the details are changed to throw 'them' off my tail. So, she'd know, but I do have to stop being such a pussy.