perdido

Last night I stayed in, drinking a little vino tinto, catching up on phone calls, blahgs, tv shows, and home cooking. I just got back from a business trip and I have no idea where I'm going with this except that I should drink wine on an empty stomach more often. I felt great - maybe a little too good to be sitting there alone.

This morning I met Lana for breakfast. She ate for two while I kept her company drinking cafe con leche. Part way through I saw this guy a couple of tables away. I was glad that I had taken a few minutes before I left the apartment to put myself together on the one had, but at the same time I was relieved that I didn't really care. This seems to be the only way I'm ever sure I've done the right thing. It seems I almost never trust myself until later and then I know it was right when I feel it sink in. I think the only time that I haven't been sure is with Michael. I can't seem to let that one go entirely. Maybe I never will. In fact I called him when I was waiting for my connecting flight in Vancouver, just to say hi.

So it feels good that I know I made the right decision in bag-boy's case. There's also this new guy I talked about last week. A couple weeks ago, on that not-so-good second date, I saw it fade like a dying flower in fast forward. That was followed up with a date rivalling the first, a couple of days before I left.

On that second date, sipping saki, he asked me if I got attached to the children that I took care of in the ICU.

"Hmmm. Good question", I told him. "I love the kids - every single one of them, but attached? Well...let me put it this way, it wasn't hard for me when they were discharged - as long as I knew they were with their families and they were loved. The only time I had trouble was when they were in a bad situation, like the suspected shaken baby who came in with a severe head injury and detached retinas - classic signs. That one...that one was hard. I just wanted to take him home with me. Broke my heart. Then there was the little girl that was lit on fire by her grandmoth-"

I looked up and saw his face. I'd lost him.

"Never mind that stuff", I interrupted myself with a waive of the hand. "I think we need a saki refill."

Later I found myself telling him how I save my subway transfers.

"I'm attached to them somehow. They represent the passage of time - the content of my life."

I told him how maybe someday I'll use them for a mixed media piece. As soon as I started with that I knew I should stop, but for some reason I couldn't. I finished the story anyway. Who cares, I thought to myself. He'll find me out sooner or later.

Two days later he called and asked me out again. That time it was good, like the first time only better. And the chemistry? Also good...

The rockstar invited me out tonight to a fetish party. I have no idea what that would be like except that he said people wear leather and take a lot of drugs. I don't think I'm in the mood, but I got my leather chaps out just in case. Ha!