so close

I am so close I can't see straight. By next week this time I am going to be virtually finished grad school.

here's to hoping

So far so good with the letting things go and living. However, my contact with humans has been limited this weekend so we will see.

Today the weather was perfect and I spent the day at a pool, swam outside, and did some of my reading. Saturday I put in a solid 8 hours of research work. I have also been really great with walking and eating fruit everyday. I feel good.

Friday I had a run-in with the law - the law being my date. It was our second time out and...let me put it this way, although there is something to be said for a guy with handcuffs and a gun, I am not feeling it. With all of that equipment, let's just hope he is not the angry type.

My throat is feeling sore all of a sudden, my Tivo is on the fritz (in the middle of a great documentary) and I should be doing something project related rather than sitting here and writing this.

Goodnight.

camouflage

I have not posted lately. It is not because I have had a meltdown - that would have had me posting more. I have been trying to finish up my grad school work and I have been planning my trip to Australia. My therapist is on vacation and writing, my most therapeutic activity, seems to be resting as well.

Speaking of therapy, I think that when faced with a problem or a conflict, I do the opposite of what many people do. I talk too much. I actually think this is one of my 'maladaptive' behaviors cloaked in 'adaptive'. I think it falls in line with my old ways of anticipating every move, putting everything in its place - my sterile technique. Only this one resists recognition because it plays the authentic part so well!

In my continued efforts to make the most out of life, I am going to try not to talk and think every situation inside out. If I sense a negative vibe from a friend in response to something I have said, I do not always have to address it, think about it, debate it, and consider it from every last perspective. Not only will I not bother addressing it, I am going to resist, despite the clouds of doom that threaten. In fact, they are my cue - if I see the clouds and I feel I have to do something to prevent them from rolling in, I should stop and let it pass. The world will not end. People do not always leave and if they do, it is outside of my control. I don't have to be the sad kid whose father drove off. I don't have to sit at the window, straining to see his car for as long as I can, waiting until I am sure I can no longer hear the sound of his engine.

With or without me waiting, he still leaves.

down the sides

Simon wasn't special, although I thought he might be on a few occasions. What I mean is that Simon was not the only one that deserted me. Lately I feel it when a friend doesn't call, a coworker seems disinterested, my therapist goes on vacation, my father calls having a down spell. I am one breath away from abandonment.

At the same time I am compelled to push away my own mother - the person I trust most not to leave me. I get these urges to call her but as soon as she picks up my chest feels tight and I make excuses to hang up. I feel guilt/sadness/loneliness/doom when I hang up, often finding an excuse to call her back. When did this happen?

I fear I am too open, share too much. I try to supress it but I can't seem to keep it down. It boils and spills down the sides no matter how tight the lid is on. The tighter it is on, the more volatile.

I miss communicating in music but everyday I am surprised. I am struck with painful beauty. I have to trust in that.

closer up

A little turmoil at work could go a long way. Maybe this is the push I need to move on. Over the next couple of months I will get the most out of my job. After that I will reasess. I have squeezed every viable drop out thus far so why get sentimental now? My pride gets in the way once in a while. Pride, aka feline territorialism. It just isn't necessary. As I moved along through grad school, despite the absence of the inspiration I was looking for, in the last minute a shadow is starting to take shape. I am going to move toward it and see how it looks a little closer up.

does everything have a price?

Last night I had plans to go out for the first time in a while. Trying to fight late afternoon fatigue and get myself into the mood I set my ipod to a great playlist and started to get ready. My mother called. Even though she knew I was going out and that I had not been in the mood to go out much lately, she insisted on sharing really sad news about an acquaintance of the family. Let me clarify this is not someone I know well and I certainly did not need to know the information right at that moment. Clearly this news could have waited. What bothers me most about this is that my mother knows how easily I take things to heart and how much I have worked at not letting that kind of shit prevent me from living in the moment, yet she called me specifically to tell me that. Why would she do that?

"Thanks bad news Betty"

"What? I thought you should know"

I told her I had to go and hung up. Pushing away the guilt and worry that she or someone I love could be next, I pressed play and carried on.

My sexy new black pumps carried me out, down the street, to the subway, to the restaurant where my friends awaited, to the club, and home. I didn't give my mother's news a second thought. I felt good.