Simon wasn't special, although I thought he might be on a few occasions. What I mean is that Simon was not the only one that deserted me. Lately I feel it when a friend doesn't call, a coworker seems disinterested, my therapist goes on vacation, my father calls having a down spell. I am one breath away from abandonment.
At the same time I am compelled to push away my own mother - the person I trust most not to leave me. I get these urges to call her but as soon as she picks up my chest feels tight and I make excuses to hang up. I feel guilt/sadness/loneliness/doom when I hang up, often finding an excuse to call her back. When did this happen?
I fear I am too open, share too much. I try to supress it but I can't seem to keep it down. It boils and spills down the sides no matter how tight the lid is on. The tighter it is on, the more volatile.
I miss communicating in music but everyday I am surprised. I am struck with painful beauty. I have to trust in that.