Friday, June 10, 2005

down the sides

Simon wasn't special, although I thought he might be on a few occasions. What I mean is that Simon was not the only one that deserted me. Lately I feel it when a friend doesn't call, a coworker seems disinterested, my therapist goes on vacation, my father calls having a down spell. I am one breath away from abandonment.

At the same time I am compelled to push away my own mother - the person I trust most not to leave me. I get these urges to call her but as soon as she picks up my chest feels tight and I make excuses to hang up. I feel guilt/sadness/loneliness/doom when I hang up, often finding an excuse to call her back. When did this happen?

I fear I am too open, share too much. I try to supress it but I can't seem to keep it down. It boils and spills down the sides no matter how tight the lid is on. The tighter it is on, the more volatile.

I miss communicating in music but everyday I am surprised. I am struck with painful beauty. I have to trust in that.


Ariel1980 said...

I am sorry that it is seven days after your post that I am just now reading it. "My cup runneth over" seems an apt comparison to these emotions you are experiencing. I identify with your descriptions, racing pulse, aching chest, a knot in the pit of my gut...and it's frightening, isn't it, not to know who to turn to, who to call.

I hope, that seven days later, you are doing well.

Rachel said...

I appreciate your words. I actually did make the comparison when I read your post. More than seven days later and I am busy, I have been getting tons of fresh air and exercise, and the sun is finally sinking into my Jewish Canadian skin - I feel good. I hope you are well.