Sunday, December 28, 2008

in and out

On Christmas day, Harry and I were buying movie tickets when we bumped into an old friend of his who used to work for the Huffington Post. He was telling us about his blog, when Harry said, "blogging is a NYC thing. No one in Toronto blogs".

"Sure they do", I said.

"Yeah, Toronto is actually a pretty blogger-rich city", Harry's friend added and then turned to me. "Do you blog?"

"No", I said. I could feel my cheeks burning. Later I thought about how I haven't blogged in so long I wasn't really lying. But it got me to thinking about how I missed it.

It's hard to come back. At first I stopped because I no longer had it in me. But then it's like I was waiting for something. Even when there was something to talk about, I wasn't sure I would know how to say it. I didn't want to come back with the obligatory, sorry I haven't been around lately-post, or the I promise I will post more frequently-post. I wanted to come back with something good, whether anybody would read it or not.

Tonight I felt like posting something. I don't feel like waiting and since it is my space to do just that, I'll start by telling you a few simple things. Maybe I will be back for more. Maybe not. But right now I miss this little narcissistic outlet.

First, I have to recommend that everyone see the movie Milk. Sean Penn did well as I am sure you have heard, although I must admit it took me about 10 minutes or so to believe him in this role. In a way I think that worked for the movie. Those that end up meaning the most to me in life are the ones who strike me in one way or another, whether it be I find them odd or abrasive or idiosyncratic. He grew on me exponentially.

What an incredible story. For a variety of reasons Human Rights have been on my mind, so this film was particularly timely for me. I have such respect for anyone who has the courage to live their lives authentically, especially in the face of oppositional expectations of their families, friends, and society. But to take that a step further and use yourself as an instrument of change is beyond my comprehension.

Yesterday I watched the movie In and Out. Since there are no new shows to PVR, I have turned to TV movies. I am surprised I didn't see this one when it was released several years ago, but it was a fun movie to watch. I bought the movie Capote at a used book store a while ago and I am about to watch it now. I've been saving it for just the right time. With only one episode of CSI:NY (I'm bored of CSI shows) and a couple of re-runs of The Office on my PVR, I'd say the time couldn't get much more right.

Lately, rather than listening to music when I run, I've become addicted to running to podcasts. Specifically I have been into (1) White Coat, Black Art, a CBC podcast by an ER doc in downtown Toronto who talks health care issues, and (2) the Dan Savage podcast. I am a huge Dan Savage fan. I have always read his column but I can't tell you how fast 45 minutes goes by when you are listening to him. Sadly, I am moving through them much too quickly, so I will soon be on the hunt for new podcasts. If anyone has any suggestions, please share.

It seems this post has a bit of a gay theme. While I'm not gay and therefore won't be coming out of that closet, I do one day hope to have the courage to come out in my own way. And so if I do come back to this blogging thing, maybe that would be a good direction to take my original theme, which was solely to 'capture'. Maybe the next phase of my blog (and maybe my life) could focus on taking it a step further: capturing and then living my life. Truly living.


the CHAPMAN said...

i like where you're going with this. see you on the other side. long time no talk!

(S)wine said...

...and to stick w/this theme, I strongly recommend the film "Before Night Falls" done by Julian Schnabel (Diving Bell & Butterfly, Basquiat) about gay Cuban poet/novelist Reinaldo Arenas. It's a brilliant piece of work, imo.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back, Happy New Year! Here's to feeling comfortable in your own skin. (clinks champagne glass)

Rachel said...

Thanks for the recommendation. I will add it to my list. Happy New Year all.

Transcience said...

I'd missed you lately, so I'm glad you're back in some capacity. I was actually thinking of writing a wrap up for my own blog. Yours is coming to a transition because you're closer to letting people you know know how you feel. In my case, I largely feel like I finally solved most of the problems that plagued me three years ago, and I'd rather start fresh with something (maybe a new blog) more in tune with my current thinking. Which is a lot like yours. We're finally living our lives. I'll write more soon, some time after I get my computer off the floor of my bedroom. I've never been so uncomfortable on a yoga mat before.

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