things I need to keep

I have not needed you like I did
But there were times
When pretending you were next to me
Was the only way I could fall asleep.
I hate that it is one of the few things I have never told you.
But there are some things I need to keep for myself.

Sitting across from you I focus in on your socks
Or your hands
The way you run your index finger
Along the inside of your thumb.
Your expression
When you stumble onto something good
Or I have captivated you.
Made you laugh.

I know you better than I should
And often when I am with you
I am aware of my heart.
Not in the sappy way
But rather
Anatomically.
Where it sits in my chest.
Clumsily clenching and releasing.
Relentless
[I hope].
Precarious
[to be sure].

And here I lie
Like the princess and the pea.
My specialty.
Not pain, exactly.