Monday, August 07, 2006

two cats

Yesterday Harry and I took his niece to an amusement park. I was looking forward to it, thinking it might fill a few of the voids that have recently become so obvious to me. This was the kind of place you would only go if you were with kids (preferably your own). I gotta tell you that I don't want to go back there again unless I actually have one or two of my own. The niece was adorable, don't get me wrong, but the place was so annoying that I don't want to have to do that again unless I'm with 'the' kid - MINE.

Then again, maybe it's not that. The niece was adorable, and one of the only things I did enjoy was watching the children have fun, like the little black kid in superhero undies running back and forth under the sprinklers of the water park. He was the epitome of happiness, sprinting, jumping in the water, all by himself - the picture of joy.

Maybe instead, it's that this summer I've been on the cusp of the kind of funk I would normally attribute to winter, so perhaps things look shittier from this angle.

Anyway, it didn't work for me. No voids were filled - not even for a moment. I kept wishing that the day would be over. When the neice begged to go on another ride, I wanted to say no so badly, which is unlike me. My patience were wearing thin.

It didn't help that I was with the champion of the downtrodden. The guy who can't turn his back on the underdog (unless of course they're his own people, and then he's a complete self-hating jew). Which brings me to the cherry on the sundae of my Sunday. On the way home, we passed a series of flags for sale, hanging on a line outside of a store, including an Israeli flag.

"I'm surprised someone didn't rip it down or burn it yet", I said, pointing toward the flag.

Harry sighed, annoyed. "Why does every Jew think the world is out to get them?

"What??? Are you kidding me?"

The way he so 'Mel Gibsonly' referred to "the Jews", I just knew I couldn't debate this with him with a child in the back seat of the car. He went on to explain how the whole war was Israel's fault, which is where I promptly tuned out.

Earlier he also made fun of me for 'keeping such a close eye on his niece' while she played in the water park.

"Don't tell me you weren't watching her..."

"No, she's fine! Where'd you grow up, south central LA? It's not like someones going to come into the park and just take her."

And I tuned out.

I left feeling empty and dirty, somehow, like I was a trying to fit myself into the wrong spot. Everything feels wrong right now and everytime I think I have the answer or I have it together, I slip. Maybe I wasn't meant to have it together. Harry isn't going to be the answer, not that I really thought he was, but sometimes I start to hope, thinking 'When Harry met Sally' kinds of shit. Maybe I need to make peace with all of this. Maybe I need to just buy the two fucking cats and be done with it.

Nah. Not really.

1 comment:

ChapFu said...

all i can say is "i feel ya". different lives. different circumstances. different pressures. somehow, the same feelings. that's all i got. wishing you a good day.