Saturday, January 28, 2006

everything I find sexy

Last night my dream was so real. He was everything I find sexy, charming, handsome. He knew how to kiss me. We sat in a restaurant, we laughed and touched hands. He told me I wasn't like all of the other girls.

I laughed, and joked, "tell me more."

"Well you know..."

For the first time he wasn't articulate.

"No, I don't. What do you mean?"

I was still smiling but I got a sinking feeling.

He held his hands about a foot apart, like he was describing the size of something.

I looked on, confused.

And then it hit.

"Go on." I told him, dreading his next words.

He stammered a bit, "Well, you know. Other girls are just smaller."

What a horrrible dream! Maybe a little shallow, but still horrible. My teenage neuroses were alive and kicking when I woke up. The same neuroses that demand I reassure anyone who reads this that I am not overweight. I often feel like I am, but objectively I am not. How fast did I get my ass to the gym this morning? I am sure there is a message in that dream somewhere - there always is. The only thing that stands out for me besides the fact that I need to go to the gym is one line that I wrote. I knew it as soon as I wrote it:

he is everything I find sexy

And the message? Clearly I find the wrong things sexy.


Anonymous said...

don't sweat the shitty details in life.
western standards suck balls.
go to greece or my country and they'll be horrified and think you're anorexic and un-healthy.

personally, i likes my womens with meat on--eXpecially the bottom. a real woman has curves; and lots of 'em.

i'm disgusted by these fucking kate moss roaches who look like pre-pubescent, pouting, drug addicted boys.



pseudonym said...

I don't ever remember finding the right thing sexy. Sexy is so wrong. And I don't ever want to be right.

Rachel said...

Sweating shitty details is my thing. What can I say? I do get what you're saying. It's good to know that, but it is not the norm. Not on this side of the world.

It's like when you're little and kids are giving you a hard time at school. Your parents try to tell you that you're smart and funny and that one day people will recognize all of the good things about you. You might get what they are trying to say, but it is hard to believe it.

And Nebraska, so true, so true.

Anonymous said...

i went through that little kids teasing phase...and my parents telling me otherwise...and you're right; they didn't help. so next time, i just hit the little fuckers in their mouths. and that was that.

'course now, the parents of the "victim" will sue your family.

the norm is only the norm if enough people conform.