I know what I know if you know what I mean

It was a good weekend. Sunshine and shoe shopping, drinks and dinners, a night at the movies, running, and tennis.

Like Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, this summer has been a pleasant surprise. I have barely even noticed the rain.

The only complaint I have is that the music of 2008 has been underwhelming. Imagine if I was back in summer camp. What would the great songs of the summer have been? Would Katie Perry's I kissed a girl be the best there is?

Where is the Jack and Diane of 2008? John Mellencamp isn't the only one. There are always songs. You know the ones. Maybe it's rose colored glasses, but where is Edie Brickell and The New Bohemians when you need them?

Aside from the music, going into this summer it is safe to say I was not at my best. So imagine my surprise when, despite the mediocre music and the record rains, this summer has turned out so well. It isn't because everything is going right [it's not..although it is mostly], or I am having regular sex [I'm not], or I am in love [not, unless you count my new fall pumps]. Not even close.

I don't even think that Don Henley's Boys of Summer would be able to drag me into the summer-Sunday blues. I would like to think that it's more than a bottle of pills, but whatever it is that saved me, I'll take it.

There is very little of August left and I intend to squeeze out every last drop.

I am packing my bags.

I will be spending it somewhere fabulous.

flashpoint

I just watched Flashpoint for the first time; a great new show on CBS. I heard or read something about it recently, I can't remember which, so I decided to PVR it. I am a huge fan of Law and Order type shows, particularly Law and Order SVU, so I am always willing to try out a new show of the same genre. Usually I am disappointed, but not this time. What a great show! I am so entirely impressed!

book of negroes

I am no longer going to waste my time reading something that I really don't enjoy. And more importantly, I am not going to feel bad about it.

It's a lot like dating. Do you know how many second and third dates I have gone on because I should like the guy, for a variety of reasons ranging from his religion, to his good looks, to his success, to his 'great personality'? Yet here I am, still single. So all of that time spent not enjoying myself and conforming to ideas that are not mine didn't get me anywhere in that department.

This is what I realized after I was about a quarter of the way into reading the Book of Negroes, an amazing book I just finished by Lawrence Hill. It is a fiction based in fact. I fell in love with the characters and I did not want it to end. More than that, this story of African slavery changed how I see the world.

Like I always say (so often more delayed than necessary), when you know, you know.

heaven

I had the most delicious lunch today - a braised beef brisket and carmelized onion sandwich from Black Camel.

the lottery

I am not going to bother to go in to where I have been and why I have taken such a long blogging hiatus. I'll save that for a rainy day or never, but something is coming up that I felt like writing about. Who knows if anyone is still reading, but if you are, feel free to give your two cents worth.

Next week I am scheduled to take part in a massive study. If I consent, they will take a DNA sample to find out if I have 'the breast cancer genes'.

If you have the genes, you basically have a 70% chance of having breast cancer and also a much higher than normal chance (I forget the percentage) of ovarian cancer.

If you are positive you basically have three options. You can:

(1) Prophylactically have your breasts removed, and/or your ovaries removed;

(2) Take medications to reduce your risk (i.e., tamoxifen); or

(3) Watch and wait (with frequent and intensive screening).

None of these options sound particularly appealing.

The chance that I have this gene is extremely small, but that being said I can't help but think how my life would be altered if I do.

I think I already know what I would do. I would get pregnant right away and as soon as I had the baby and maybe finished breastfeeding, I would have my ovaries and breasts removed (and then breasts reconstructed).

Who knows what I would really do if faced with the decision, but that was my initial instinct.

But it is even more complicated than that. Even life insurance or health insurance policies become a problem once you have this kind of information, not to mention the change in how you see and live your life. How about going through surgical menopause at 33? Not the most appealing idea.

So what's better? Not knowing?

My doctor was the one who said this was a good idea, and at the time I completely agreed, but now I am getting cold feet.

It reminds me of the way I feel about the lottery. I have never dreamed of winning a 100 million dollars like most people seem to. I have never longed for an irreversible transformation. I want my life, as hard and lonely as it sometimes. It can also be great.

And it's mine.

I am at a loss.