As good as it is, all of this dating excitement, anticipation, uncertainty, and newness...it's also that bad. It's the kind of unbearable that keeps me coming back for more. Here the road feels more and more narrow, like every move I make is risky. It's ridiculous but it's me. I need to snap out of it. I can't let myself freeze up.
So, here I sit, on a precarious divide. Maybe it's not a road... I see it as a wall. Looking down to my left, I'm reminded of that guy from last year who was a 'perfect catch', but who dumped me quoting LL Cool J:
"Don't you call this a regular jam, I'm gonna rock this land."
I shit you not, that's what he wrote in the email. I know - kind of funny, and believe me, if it didn't punch the wind right out of me I might have thought it was awesome, but it caught me by surprise, soon after he spent the night for the first time, and the day after he invited me to spend the holidays with his family.
Down to my right, it seems, is my alternative - almost every guy I go out with fits into this category. When I meet these guys I can't breath and my life flashes before my eyes. I can see it clearly - a mundane existence with someone I don't respect where there is never enough air. Selling out, settling, just to settle down, like so many do.
It's funny, when you think about it. I always end up back at the same spot, seeing the same two things. It's because it's what I've come from. Now it's all I ever see. The right and the left. I haven't gotten very far in this recent venture, yet I find myself asking, what'll it be?
He's nice, funny, smart, sometimes self-depricating, and slightly neurotic. He's cute but doesn't know it. He's a good arm tickler. He tells me I look nice and seems really happy to see me. He's respectful and charming, but not to a fault. He dresses nicely and drives a sleek car, yet he bites his nails to shreds. He calls just to say 'hi' or 'goodnight', but never too much that I want to run.
So far, like Goldilocks and the third bowl, third chair, and third bed, he seems just right.
Maybe there's a third category. Maybe for now, I'll just stay right where I am - right here on my wall. I'll try not to notice how painfully thin it's getting. I'll try to keep looking ahead.
In the meantime, I just told my friend Camel, "I can't believe he emails me this morning to ask me how my day was and I emailed him back, answered his questions, asked him about his day and he hasn't even emailed me back! What's up with that? I feel like writing him to say, 'your morning's that good, is it?', but then I'd look needy and I'm not needy. I'm really not. I was fine before he came along. Just fine. I have my friends and my life and my exercise. I'm very athletic!"
I can see she is trying not to laugh.
"I am! I'm very athletic!"
We burst out laughing at the same time.
But I am...