Sunday, August 07, 2005

crying all around

I went out for dinner and drinks with my friends who are moving away in a few days. It is my old roommate Candace and her husband Adam who live overseas. They came back for a year and lived next door to me. We have become very close. Lately though, things have been strained. They have been spending more time with our other friends - another couple. It has been hard to be the odd person out. They are a lot of fun and Adam is very protective of me - he thinks of me as a sister.The feelings around the whole situation have been messy. I love them, feel hurt, sad they are leaving, and left out.

Tonight we were out for dinner. Another friend of mine was talking about a girl he had been seeing who moved away. He had been adamant throughout their relationship that it was mutually casual, but I thought he would surprise himself when the time for her to leave approached. He was telling us about saying goodbye at the airport. I asked him if the girl cried and Adam seemed irritated and interrupted me,
"Rachel always has to ask the craziest questions!"
I tried to explain that my question had context that he was not aware of, but he continued to argue.
"You know Adam, if I commented on everything that people said that I thought was strange, I would be talking an awful lot."
"I hold back commenting on a lot of things, trust me."
At that point someone interjected to change the subject, but my lip was shaking and tears were pooling in my eyes. I pretended to look in my purse for something, trying to stem the flow that was sure to be impossible to stop. Adam reached toward me and put his arm around my shoulder. He squeezed me,
"I am sorry."
The tears flowed freely now. I was embarrassed.
"Me too. I am just in a bad mood."

Truthfully I had not been in a bad mood. I am not sure what I was.
Part of me knows all of this is about being sad, being stressed about the move, and anticipating the upset of separation all around, but the other part of me feels insecure and vulnerable and wants to know, was I being annoying?

Earlier in the evening he had snapped at Candace as he often does, making us all feel uncomfortable. Any one of us could have easily criticized him for it, so why am I unable to tolerate someone criticizing me? In other words, what I am trying to say is that even if my question was ridiculous (which I don't think it was), it doesn't mean I am all bad, just like Adam is not all bad in my view when he does something I think is wrong.

Things surprisingly got better from there, but my heart still aches a little. I am going to sleep.

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