Tuesday, July 05, 2005

summertime rolls

Just like I thought, a moment went by and I am finished grad school. I feel light and slightly confused...once again I can see the future. The uncertainty and novelty will soon dissapear. I will be unable to hold onto my appreciation. I will wonder about my purpose. I will envy students.

After work I went to play tennis and I had a shit game. There was a moment where I thought I would break the racket in rage, but I moved on and my game improved a bit. Still, I craved more exercise- I wanted to be hungry for air. Maybe it is all of that pent up energy.

I have dance class tomorrow but that will not come close to making up for the Korean barbecue I had for a celebratory dinner tonight and the Ben and Jerry's phish food for desert. I think the whole Korean meal is conceptually appealing, but it was a little more than I needed. More meat, more cooking my own food, too many cross-contamination threats to track. It was hard work. I felt like they should have paid me! Even the shrimp came with eyes and shells. I can not talk about it - it's making me a little sick.

Phish food reminds me of my sister who is a deadhead and a lover of Ben and Jerry's, my brother who is a fan of Phish, and my Mom who used to sing me Dead songs as a small child. I never understood all of that, but oddly enough the other day I bought a pair of Birks, which I vowed I would never wear and always made fun of my sister for wearing. They came out in a one-strap style in metallic gold and silver - they are actually cool!

I spoke to my little brother. I miss him. He makes me nostalgic for everything I have left behind. I am moving farther and farther away, and I don't mean to. I resist like a tired puppy laying down in the middle of the road, deadweight, only I am on a conveyor belt. No amount of pulling back is going to stop me from moving. Is the goal to learn how not to resist? To stop resenting and envying what I have left behind or never had? Get off the conveyor belt and return to where I came from? Unfortunately I think that you can never go back. You can not unlearn experience, can you?

I need to get it out - a word about my friend that is going through a major life crisis. Just when I thought things were going to be ok, they went back downhill. They plummeted. Then there was a resurgence of hope and yet again, disappointment. I am not sure I can take this anymore, so I can only imagine how it must be for my friend. I don't understand why things have to be this way. I am not a very strict Jew, but I pray in my own way on a regular basis. I have prayed so many times for my friend to be well. For my friend to be happy and well. I just don't understand why things are such a fucking disappointment sometimes.

I know this all sounds sad, but please know it is peppered with sunlight.

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