Wednesday, July 13, 2005

no insulation

My body is starting to feel like an efficient machine. Suddenly what I am putting in it matters and I am able to do things with ease that I never could before. I am playing tennis, walking, dancing, and running. It gives me a rush and makes me want more. At the same time I am trying not to think about it too much. I am trying not refine what I eat and what I do to a sharp edge. I need room to move. I need allowances. This is the best I have been, but what if this is just more of what I have always done.

It is tough to get close to something that I have had a problem with in the past. It would be like lighting cigarettes for all of my smoker friends. It is easier for me to stay far away from focusing on exercise and eating well because at some level, deep down, I want to starve. It sounds crazy, and it is. It doesn't make sense in words, but these dark pieces surface when I get too close, too anxious, overwhelmed.

In my early twenties I shifted the focus from my physical appearance and control over my eating to paralyzing fear of almost everything. My fears have all but peeled away, but I realized that I had lost touch with my body. Is there a way to safely focus on this now, to be a healthy sexual woman? One thing I know for sure is that if I do not try I will never know. I could live a safe, lonely, insulated life or I can press on despite the risks.

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