never mine

In an email to Harry, I Freudian-typed "never mine" instead of "never mind". I mean seriously, no matter how I swing it, I am transparent. I used to get so angry at myself when I let my cover slip. Not that I really knew it was a cover in the moment, I was just angry that I was not who I wanted to be. But I have come to a degree of comfort with the truth. I am no longer frightened by the repercussions. What have I really got to lose outside of the dead weight I have carried around with me for no other reason but for old time's sake?

My therapist has been on vacation. Before he left, I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't coping, I was miserable, staying home too much, and avoiding my friends. My anxiety level was through the roof and I was starting to think it would never get any better. While I do not know that anything has fundamentally changed, it is like I have taken a vacation from myself right along with my therapist.

So far the only time I have even cried was this morning, watching Cold Case. It couldn't get much more cheese but I liken this particular cry to the chopping onion effect; a bit of a mechanical cry. The episode was about two secretly homosexual cops. One of them was killed and when the mystery was solved, the surviving police officer, now an old man, went back to the scene. The ghost of his dead partner appeared and they held hands for a moment before he disappeared again forever. It is the only time in the whole three weeks that I have shed a single tear and it hardly counts.

And no, I don't think the conclusion to be drawn is that therapy is not helpful. I do however think that it's nice to take a break from yourself.

So now we are into the long weekend. This guy I used to go to camp for years with just called me out of the blue the other day and invited me to go sailing. At first I was not sure. I do not know how to sail. One of the girls at work told me if I go I have to wear navy blue and white stripes and top-siders. I know so little about sailing I almost fell for it. Almost.

Normally I would decline the offer and end up going to the gym, maybe getting my nails done, cleaning my apartment, and then complaining that there is never anything going on, but instead I am going. It is a beautiful blue sky day; a Donnie Darko day. I do not even know how to find out if there is wind, but I would be happy just to float around.

The hospital wanted me to work tonight. That would have been seven days straight, so I said no, I am going sailing. So three days off! I am so excited. I will go to movies, do errands at a leisurely pace, enjoy the sun, run, play a little tennis. I even have a date with a very handsome and charming Argentinean.

Buenos tardes, mi amigos.