My friends lives keep evolving. Just this morning a friend of mine called to tell me she's pregnant with twins. Last night, another called to say they had put a bid on a house and would likely be moving out of our area, of course. This morning I woke up groggy and fragile. I could feel it in my bones- it wasn't going to be a good day. Shoshana called to say she was going veil shopping, and I got the feeling she wanted me to volunteer to go with her, but I didn't. I couldn't.
Buying houses, getting married, having babies, moving out of the city, is not in my immediate future (not that I would want to move to the suburbs, EVER). I'm happy for my friends, but I'm not happy. Is moving away where no one knows me going to solve anything? I think so, and here's why: (a) at least then I know I'm alone because there's no one I know around. Somehow it's better that the reason for the solitude is not that everyone I used to spend my time with has moved on and has chosen other ways to spend their time; (b) it also forces me to meet new people, preferably who have a little more in common with me. In that way London would be a great place to go. My sister lives there and it is one place where when they say 30 is the new 20 they mean it.
This day reminds me of one of my less glowing moments, which came a couple of years ago when I was hanging out with some friends of mine and I was having a bad day, much like today. I don't like to burden my friends or come across as a kvetch, but I went into a rare tyrade about my dissatisfaction with life and toward the end, another girl said to my roommate at the time, "What the fuck is on your finger?" My heart sunk before I even turned my head. I looked over and there was an enormous engagement ring on her hand. My roomate and her new fiancee, smiled sheepishly because they felt bad that this got discovered in the middle of my pathetic rant. They had come over to surprise us and instead of just telling us their news right away, they thought it would be fun to wait and see if we noticed. While they waited for us to stumble upon the news, I ended up spilling all of my shit. In all fairness, how could they have known that it would play out this way, and how could I have known that this was supposed to be their moment, but you can imagine how much worse this made me feel? Now the same friends are buying a house in the suburbs, and I'm eating reeses peanut butter cups, crying everytime I see something sad on CNN.
Today there is no one here for me and I really wish there was. Harry's on tour with his band until tomorrow night. When he comes back we're going out for dinner, but until then, everyone else is away at a cottage, or resting their tired pregnant body, veil shopping, or working. I would like to take something strong, and have someone sit next to me while I fall asleep (?). I don't even know where that came from, but whatever. I called my mother and even she couldn't talk...TWICE. The phone rang again, and I just knew it had to be someone coming through for me, but instead it was the phone company calling to see if I was satisfied. I assured them that in no way was I satisfied.