Debbie Harry, you were right. It is a pain in the ass. This week my dating score is 0 for 2, and for the purpose of this post scoring doesn't mean "scoring" in the home run/through the uprights sort of way. Not even close. Shit, I would give points to it not being hell. Am I really asking too much?
Two blind dates. One was a huge turtleneck with feet and the other was nice, smart, even fun to talk to, but was so far from attractive I left feeling like a horrible human being. It's not that I need beauty, but there has to be chemistry. I have to be able to look at the person and feel something (hopefully many things). I feel vital these days and I am not ready to give that up.
Here's the thing. I feel like I keep having the same things thrown my way, over and over, and although intellectually I think it means nothing, at some level I wonder if it's a sign.
My mother once told me a joke. it goes something like this:
There was a terrible flood. A very religious man waited on his roof and prayed for divine intervention. A boat came toward his house.
"Get in," shouted the boater. "We'll save you."
"No", cried the man, "G-d will save me."
The scene was repeated twice more, before a helicopter finally arrived and hovered over him. Once again, the man refused help on the same grounds ... G-d would save him.
The man drowned
When he arrived in heaven he looked at G-d with obvious confusion.
"I placed my faith in you and you let me drown," he complained.
"Let you drown?", exclaimed God. "I sent three boats and a helicopter!"
My mother finished it off with the moral of the story: "G-d helps those who help themselves".
It seems that every guy that comes my way is "great" in a number of ways, yet fails to meet my expectations in at least one major palpable way. In all fairness to myself, I am a firm believer that the things you can "put your finger on" are only a fraction of the story - the tip of the iceberg. If that one thing really bothers me, chances are there is more to it than that. Both last night and the night before are perfect examples. I didn't like either of them, mostly because they didn't meet my physical requirements, which is shallow, makes me feel terrible, sends my mother into her, "give him a chance" diatribe with the insinuation that the moral of my story is that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.
I don't thing I will be alone forever but the guilt I feel is coated in a fear. What if they were my boats, my helicopters?
What if I just missed my ride?
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8 comments:
why would that make you feel shallow? fuck that. beauty, physical as well as inner, is integral to a good relationship. and puh-leeaze, do not even start thinking this a "god" issue. god doesn't give a shit about your love life, sorry to say. so don't feel guilty for passing up on the toads. these are the obstacles, not the "boats coming to save you." fuck it, if these were the boats, i'd let myself drown. because who in hell needs decades of misery and second-guessing for having compromised. i'd rather be dead.
YOU KNOW WHO.
I hear that story from time to time, too, but your Mom makes G-d humorous. Anyway, situations like yours are why there's the Rule of 12 Bonks. Basically, after you've dated 12 people, you have a pretty good idea of what kind of "helicopter" you're looking for, and if you choose the next one you come across who's better than all the ones you've had before, then there's a reasonably good chance you'll be satisfied with him. This rule comes from a book I haven't read, but I did see an article on Salon about it way back in the day. It's here:
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2004/09/13/math/index_np.html?x
this might seem like an odd question with an obvious answer but i will ask anyway. why do you want to find someone else to be in a relationship with? please know i'm just asking because i'm curious not because i'm judging.
who would you be if you were alone for the rest of your life?
maybe consider this. what would happen if you shifted your focus a bit and just planned to be alone, planned out everything you want to do, things you want to learn, contibutions you want to make, places you want to discover. and don't plan on doing any of it with someone else. then once you start to put your plan into action, someone will come along at some point and get in your way and seemingly mess up your plan. and then you get to decide if you want to continue on with your plan or alter it to make room for this person. something you actually have control over.
Not that this will make you feel any better, but you're not alone. I feel that way sometimes after blind dates as well.
Wow, that is some thought provoking shit you guys came up with! Who needs to read a Saturday paper? I have too much to think about with you.
A, you really hit the nail on the head with one side of my inner voice anyway. I know what you say is true, but there is this nagging voice... Thanks for that, because sometimes it helps just to see it articulated/written well to sink in. I would rather drown than stagnate. Bottom line. Why am I always talking about my bottom?
FEF, to approach this kind of thing mathematically is very interesting to me and is right up your alley, and frankly I take comfort in the notion. Everyone says "it's a numbers game". Maybe they're right. I think I am getting a pretty good sense of what I want in my helicopter.
MOC, you really came up with the questions that threw me. I love that. These are the assumptions I have always held I guess. I am pretty sure I will think about what you asked me long after I respond here. The answer that came to mind at first for "who would you be if you were alone for the rest of your life", is - I don't know! That scared me, but then I started thinking about it. I have been virtually alone for a long time and I have come to a pretty good sense of myself. I think I would be exactly who I am now, still continuing to evolve the way I have been - the way we all do. I guess there is still this feeling that I want to share it with someone in some way. How do you feel? Can you conceive of a solo life?
H, It is nice to know that other people feel this way. I look forward to hearing more of your story.
hmm how do i feel? solo seems much more desirable to me these days than not. i realize it's not for everyone, or rather everyone does not believe it's the way to go or even consider it for that matter. recently a bunch of thoughts and questions have entered my mind that have taken focus away from the drama of everyday life and most things that people concern themselves with seem ridiculous to me. i'm not saying they are ridiculous, just that to me they have lost their importance. 'finding THE ONE or someone, anyone' would be one of those things. 'figuring out what to do with my life (career-wise)' would be another. 'determining how best to draw as much attention to myself as possible to prove i exist properly, or even exist' is yet another. mainly things that involve trying to control a situation or someone else other than myself in order to find supposed happiness. right now i am just finding it interesting what motivates people to say and do the things they do. not judging just curious. i'm learning a lot. there are a lot of random thoughts thrown together here in one long paragraph. i didn't intend to make a whole lot of sense.
solo is the way to go.
we're born into this primordial shit alone, and we go out alone.
it is quite possible, you know, to be perpetually alone--even within a relationship.
Solo is not "the way to go". It is "A" way to go. We are, in reality, alone, as you point out. But it's nice to have someone you can trust a little, let your guard down with a little, who you can have sex with and have kids with.
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