dwelling

Who would have thought that February, the cruelest and most desolate of months would bring such a gust of good in my life? I have been waiting to make sure it all came through in a pinch-myself sort of way before I said anything, but just before I left for London, on my last day of work, something happened that didn't really surprise me, yet was what I needed to make a decision. I won't go into what it was, but suffice it to say my boss went one step too far and I decided I no longer needed to be there and that this person would no longer continue to benefit from my skills.

I had been keeping an eye open for new work for over a year but I just didn't have it in me to put myself out there and prepare for interviews. All of that takes energy. But what happened before I left was the fuel that I needed to make a move and for that I am grateful.

I applied for about five positions I had been eyeing. When I returned in January I got three calls, all within two days. I interviewed for all three, but was quite taken with the first. I turned down one second interview and accepted the other two.

I was offered the job I wanted and exactly what I wanted. Of course I am still taking a huge leap of faith. I am so used to sticking with the devil I know. It is scary moving into the unknown, but even if it isn't the best thing that ever happened to me, at least it is something happening and I am so excited about it. It is a position that incorporates research and clinical work in a good hospital. It is a well-respected interdisciplinary centre working with an interesting patient population. It is going to challenge me in so many ways.

So this week, after seven years, I quit my job.

I gave my supervisor notice and told my part-time hospital gig that for now I would like to continue there but would only be able to work once in a while.

On top of that, I decided to take a couple of weeks off in between jobs because I still had a number of weeks vacation left. Funny enough, as soon as I was offered the position I was no longer desperate to go south the way I was before. I think the obsessive searching for good vacation deals was a throwback to my 1-800-holiday days; a self-soothing escape.

But then a twist of fate suddenly left Lana with a need to take [or lose] some of her vacation and so I said I would look one more time and see if there were any last minute deals, not expecting to find much given the time of year, with spring break and march break. But the next thing you know I found an incredibly good price for a week in Cuba, in a resort on a white sand beach with tennis courts and swim up bars. An hour later we were booked. I leave in a couple of weeks!

Then just a few weeks later I am going to NYC for a girl’s weekend. By then there will be blossoms on the trees and the weight of the winter will be lifting. Turns out the weight hasn't been so unbearable this year, unless you count my body weight; the 6 pounds I gained after I hurt my foot, couldn't exercise for two months, and went on a lasagna and chocolate chip diet.

But that brings me to the next thing on the list. I got a great deal on a personal trainer for three sessions.

In a few minutes I leave to get my eyebrows waxed [sounds like no big deal but I swear it is like a new beginning for us girls], do my cardio, and then meet the trainer.

It's a three-day weekend. The sun is shining and even though it is -8 degrees Celsius you can tell the sun is warming up.

Sometimes you go through dark spots where you know there is 'probably' a light at the end of the tunnel or at least you hope, with all of your heart, there is one, but I see it clearly now. I am in it.

In the past I think I have been hesitant to take these happy moments and dwell on them for fear they will slip out of my hands like a bar of soap.

And they will, but so what? I am going to dwell.

I am dwelling.