cowbells and chainsaws

My lips are dry and I’m sitting in front of the computer, wanting to write something. I have no ideas, I figured I’d start and see what happens. Sometimes you just have to do something rather than wait for something to do. I could stand to take that little golden nugget into my personal and professional life as well.

I need to stop buying things for myself. I’ve recently purchased my first round of furniture that has yet to arrive. I still have to buy presents to bring home to my family. I'm thinking something small, and then I'll buy mosquito nets in their names from Spread The Net. Fighting malaria is a great cause.

So instead of shopping for others, I went to the used book store near me and bought myself three books of Richard Ford short stories and the Giller Prize winning book of short stories by Vincent Lam, an ER doc from Toronto, called Blood Letting and Other Miraculous Cures. He is my age, married with kids, a practicing physycian AND a giller prize winning author? Wtf? Anyway, I'm out of control with buying books. I haven’t even read much lately, which is unlike me, and may have something to do with the creative slump I seem to be having. That and the cement, but let’s not go there today.

***
Last night, instead of going to see Harry’s band, I saw White Cowbell Oklahoma (punk/southern/rock group). Great show! Originally I was supposed to go to Harry’s gig but his new girl was going to be there and frankly I don’t feel like meeting her. Doesn’t sound good, does it? I don't particularly like to admit to something that makes me look so bad, but if I can’t do it here than what’s the point of anonymity?

As you may or may not know, Harry and I met at a party and started off dating. He asked me out, I was seeing someone at the time, but he gave me his email address and took mine, saying he would let me know about his band's upcoming show. He emailed me several weeks later to see if I was single again and/or interesting in going to see his band. Coincidentally the email arrived as I was obsessing over the wording in the one I was going to send him. It seemed fated, but then after a little while it became apparent that we were too different and so it kind of melted into a friendship.

We’ve acknowledged that we get things out of the relationship – he once said that it's like being in a relationship without the sex. We’ve dated other people intermittently since but lately I’ve been seeing him differently. It’s subtle but I’ve noticed his kindness more and I’ve started to find him more fun now that I’ve gotten used to some of the differences. There is also more of an attraction there and it's got me to thinking about the missing piece of our 'relationship.' Another thing I've noticed is that he has more energy than I do. That’s something I am surprisingly comforted by. It reminds me of the way I used to feel working nights in the hospital. The darkness of night isn't so damn lonely and scary when I know there's a whole world of people living and working all night long like it was daytime. Well after I go to bed, I know Harry's still going and somehow that comforts me. In addition, he has an appreciation for creativity, and an open mind. He would be the first person I would tell about my blog if I were to ever tell anyone I know. I trust him to handle it. Handle me (althought I'm fairly certain I'd take this post out before I ever told him).

I first noticed something had changed when things with the Lawyer began to go downhill. I guess all of the negative characteristics of the lawyer highlighted the good things in Harry, I’m not sure that it isn’t just a case of loneliness, but the fact that there is nothing that I would like less than to go make nice with the new girl tells me something. So sadly, just in time for me to figure this all out, Harry met a new girl.

When Harry and I are together lately I've come close to making comments that might indicate, albeit indirectly, that something has changed in the way I see him, but I’ve been careful not to. I told my therapist I've decided to let his new thing play out, wait and see how I feel, and if it doesn’t work and the feelings are still there then maybe… How can I possibly be honest with things as they stand when I don’t even know if I really want him? My therapist suggested that’s not my problem.

"Maybe you should just go with however your feel in the moment."

He went on to remind me how Harry constantly mocked and imitated the lawyer when I was dating him.

“Rachel”, Harry would say to me in a deep, formal voice. “You and I are both of the same religious background and are similar in age. As you know, I drive a BMW and I am in a good position to be a provider. With all we have in common, I believe we should consider marriage and procreation to continue on our Jewish heritage.”

"Shuddup", I'd laugh and punch him in the shoulder.

I guess he's right. Harry wasn’t afraid to show me how he felt about me, and he wasn't all that subtle. Besides, they’ve only been dating 3 weeks. It's not like I'm jeopardizing a marriage. Yes, he’s probably right, and yet…