My friends lives keep evolving. Just this morning a friend of mine called to tell me she's pregnant with twins. Last night, another called to say they had put a bid on a house and would likely be moving out of our area, of course. This morning I woke up groggy and fragile. I could feel it in my bones- it wasn't going to be a good day. Shoshana called to say she was going veil shopping, and I got the feeling she wanted me to volunteer to go with her, but I didn't. I couldn't.
Buying houses, getting married, having babies, moving out of the city, is not in my immediate future (not that I would want to move to the suburbs, EVER). I'm happy for my friends, but I'm not happy. Is moving away where no one knows me going to solve anything? I think so, and here's why: (a) at least then I know I'm alone because there's no one I know around. Somehow it's better that the reason for the solitude is not that everyone I used to spend my time with has moved on and has chosen other ways to spend their time; (b) it also forces me to meet new people, preferably who have a little more in common with me. In that way London would be a great place to go. My sister lives there and it is one place where when they say 30 is the new 20 they mean it.
This day reminds me of one of my less glowing moments, which came a couple of years ago when I was hanging out with some friends of mine and I was having a bad day, much like today. I don't like to burden my friends or come across as a kvetch, but I went into a rare tyrade about my dissatisfaction with life and toward the end, another girl said to my roommate at the time, "What the fuck is on your finger?" My heart sunk before I even turned my head. I looked over and there was an enormous engagement ring on her hand. My roomate and her new fiancee, smiled sheepishly because they felt bad that this got discovered in the middle of my pathetic rant. They had come over to surprise us and instead of just telling us their news right away, they thought it would be fun to wait and see if we noticed. While they waited for us to stumble upon the news, I ended up spilling all of my shit. In all fairness, how could they have known that it would play out this way, and how could I have known that this was supposed to be their moment, but you can imagine how much worse this made me feel? Now the same friends are buying a house in the suburbs, and I'm eating reeses peanut butter cups, crying everytime I see something sad on CNN.
Today there is no one here for me and I really wish there was. Harry's on tour with his band until tomorrow night. When he comes back we're going out for dinner, but until then, everyone else is away at a cottage, or resting their tired pregnant body, veil shopping, or working. I would like to take something strong, and have someone sit next to me while I fall asleep (?). I don't even know where that came from, but whatever. I called my mother and even she couldn't talk...TWICE. The phone rang again, and I just knew it had to be someone coming through for me, but instead it was the phone company calling to see if I was satisfied. I assured them that in no way was I satisfied.
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7 comments:
running away to "start over" may not necessarily solve it. believe me. in London you may find the same sort of migration to the suburbs or life-trends. like Einstein theorized about Time being observed differently according to position, so is Life. it is true, when your friends get married, have babies, move to the 'burbs, you lose something w/them, it's true. it's natural, though. but also it's natural that each individual life moves in a different way. in my group of (8) friends, which was formed in 7th grade and has endured ever since, all but one of us is married and with children--most of us have 2. That one friend is NEVER excluded from any of our "family" get-togethers, outings, bar-hopping (yeh, we take the kids to our old haunts; we just leave the joints earlier), trips to the beach together, etc. That being said, it's not to say his life is not different than ours. it is. he's still dating, searching, wondering. But he's never been and will never be "the odd man out" with us. He's simply "Uncle Jim" the fun, bizarro, freakazoid with a million funny stories that entertain the hell out of the kids. And us.
You'll get through this bad day (and others) and things will be better. You'll see. It's Sunday. Pour a martini, grab a chick-flick, stop watching CNN, and chill. Want me to come over? You can fall asleep next to me. I won't mind. I've put plenty of women to sleep, in my life. Har-har.
Just hearing that offer makes me feel better. See how easy I am to please? Thanks L.
Today is already looking up. I'm packing for another week in cowboy country, the sun is out, I'm going to sweat my ass of at the gym, go for a run, and then go out for dinner.
I rarely comment on content. It happens, but it is rare. Usually when I comment on a blog, I comment only on the writing. I think that my comment regarding the Words may be worth speaking. But what do I know about anyone's life enough to comment on the actual content of a blog.
I've spent my morning reading your blog. I can't remember ever being so tempted to really comment on content.
I'm going to resist that temptation for now, and just stick to the Words.
My being drawn into your posts speaks volumes about your writing. You made me not only want to hear more, but also you made me want to share personal things here, regarding your moments in my thoughts and from my life.
It is not an easy feat as a writer, to make your reader care. I'm amazed.
pretty tough proposition to not comment on content. one gets bored out of his/her mind looking at the mechanics of writing. and then you have the Hemingways who come along and blow mechanics out of the water, and if you ignore the content you miss the train completely. and how about something like Updike's "Pigeon Feathers" whose mechanics is flawless, but whose content is even more than that. don't paint yourself into a corner.
I was paying rachel a compliment on her Words, on how she draws me in with her writing, evoking a familiarity and comfortableness. I said not a Word about mechanics.
I apologize; I thought I, as I am, was welcome here since Rachel and I have linked each others blogs. To be told I, as I am, "missed the train completely" says otherwise. Pardon me, I won't make this mistake and comment here again.
Whoa - wait a minute. You are very much welcome here. I appreciate and am flattered by your comment. Truly. Seeing as I just discovered your blog the other day and am looking forward to being a regular reader, I would hate to think you aren't coming back.
whoa is right.
sorry i came across that way.
but also "you" is not meant for YOU YOU. I did begin my comment with "one" and so I'm not referring to you, just a general you.
sheesh, sorry.
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