For a variety of reasons, most of which were out of my control, I spent almost an entire weekend in solitude. It did very little toward making a case for staying in this city. It feels more and more over for me here.
It did show me how I have gotten used to being entirely self sufficient. I even went to a movie yesterday alone, for the first time in my life. I didn't mind. It was Match Point, Woody Allen. I love the tennis analogy. Love the tennis. Hey, I guess there is something I can't do alone.
I also discovered that I have stamina. I can run for 45 minutes, do a one hour pilates class and then later, still make it through an hour long spinning class.
Another thing - there is something to be said for carrying around an apple. Much like carrying flowers, holding a crisp green apple when you're walking down the street, looking in shop windows, waiting for the right moment to take a bite, feels special somehow. it just does.
The problem with all of this is, learning how to be alone is not what I needed. I have been doing that for an awfully long time. As I waited for the movie to start, it seemed absurd that I am still alone. There has got to be someone out there for me. Someone who is waiting for me just like I am waiting for them.
This afternoon at a beauty product store, when the saleslady asked me if I wanted the jumbo size of a product, I told her,
"Oh G-D no. I wouldn't buy a bottle that big. Hell, I could be dead before I finish that."
And I wasn't really joking. The look on her face was priceless. I know it almost sounds like a cry for help, but it isn't. It's just that we live in a world of possibility, and inherently luck could send the ball to either side of the net.
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4 comments:
oh but there are plenny waiting...sharpening their knives and salivating like Pavlov's puppies.
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i've been going to movies more and more by myself lately. it's not so bad. and i really loved match point. i picked up the soundtrack. all that crazy turn of the 20th century opera really carries a mood. i went out taking black and whites on film for the first time in over a year while i listened to it. amazing. i know the feeling you're feeling about this city. i felt it about the city i left. i'm still re-discovering and starting to love this city right now but you want what you want. i'm sure that if you listen to that part of yourself you'll be happy. sorry for the verbosity. i'm not even drunk.
A:I love pavlov for giving us that to use - it works, it really works.
J: I love the music from matchpoint! Great idea - I don't usually buy music, but this one might be worth it. It is great to find something that makes you feel something when it is so easy to walk through your days like a zombie.
Pavvy also gave us the Intermittent Schedule of Reinforcement. You know, that's when you tell someone "I Love You" but only every other week or so. And that keeps them hanging on...FOR FUCKING EVER.
Thanks Pavvy.
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