Friday, February 11, 2005
this is not a rhetorical question
Does anyone ever read this blog? I am so embarassed to ask that question. I have only ever had one comment so I wouldn't be surprised if the answer is 'no'. If no one answers, this particular post will have to go and we can forget I ever asked. Then again, if no one reads this, what is there to be embarassed about, right?
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
911
There was a segment on the news about 911. It still rouses up so much in me. I have always meant to record my memories of that time. I was afraid they might start to fade, but they haven't.
I remember it was a beautiful warm morning. It was my last day of work as a nurse in a pediatric ICU. I was in a four-patient room when I noticed some of the parents gathered around one of the televisions mounted on the wall. I was at the bedside with my patient who was having a cardiac ultrasound. The ultrasonographer and I both stopped to see what was capturing everyone's attention. It takes something big to pull parents of critically ill children away. The only sound in the room came from the cardiac monitors. Hands to mouths, we all stood starring at the screen in collective horror, shock, disbelief. I will never forget how the tears streamed down the face of the ultrasonographer. Then the second plane hit.
Soon the unit manager went room to room, telling us that the televisions would have to be turned off for the rest of the day. The world might be permanently changing, and while none of us knew how much more was to come, the manager wanted to make sure we retained focus.
I almost never took a break when I was working, but that day I did. I ran to a payphone and called my friend Shane who lives in NYC. It took a few tries but I got through. He told me he was ok, but was at that moment, standing by his window watching what was left of the towers. "Oh my G-D, Rachel! You wouldn't fucking believe what I am looking at. You wouldn't fucking believe it", he repeated again and again.
Hanging up, I could barely breath. I needed to get outside. I stepped out of the climate-controlled hospital into an unseasonably warm September day. The sky could not have been bluer. It was the same clarity and vibrancy of the sky in NYC at that very moment. I sat on a bench a block away. There were these bushes with the most beautiful huge white flowers. Fall flowers. I lit a cigarette and looked up into the blue sky.
I remember it was a beautiful warm morning. It was my last day of work as a nurse in a pediatric ICU. I was in a four-patient room when I noticed some of the parents gathered around one of the televisions mounted on the wall. I was at the bedside with my patient who was having a cardiac ultrasound. The ultrasonographer and I both stopped to see what was capturing everyone's attention. It takes something big to pull parents of critically ill children away. The only sound in the room came from the cardiac monitors. Hands to mouths, we all stood starring at the screen in collective horror, shock, disbelief. I will never forget how the tears streamed down the face of the ultrasonographer. Then the second plane hit.
Soon the unit manager went room to room, telling us that the televisions would have to be turned off for the rest of the day. The world might be permanently changing, and while none of us knew how much more was to come, the manager wanted to make sure we retained focus.
I almost never took a break when I was working, but that day I did. I ran to a payphone and called my friend Shane who lives in NYC. It took a few tries but I got through. He told me he was ok, but was at that moment, standing by his window watching what was left of the towers. "Oh my G-D, Rachel! You wouldn't fucking believe what I am looking at. You wouldn't fucking believe it", he repeated again and again.
Hanging up, I could barely breath. I needed to get outside. I stepped out of the climate-controlled hospital into an unseasonably warm September day. The sky could not have been bluer. It was the same clarity and vibrancy of the sky in NYC at that very moment. I sat on a bench a block away. There were these bushes with the most beautiful huge white flowers. Fall flowers. I lit a cigarette and looked up into the blue sky.
riding in trains
I have arrived at my destination. There is something remarkable about travelling this way. Bisecting the city on train shortly after departure, I was struck by a sense of the unfamiliar. This is the city that used to be foreign to me in every glance and with every move, but I have grown accustomed to it over the years. Today I was somewhere else. Maybe back to the beginning of my time here or maybe somewhere novel. Lines of backyards preceded unfamiliar houses. The architecture seemed alien. Looking out at people in cars and walking the streets, leading their lives, I felt like a voyeur. Somehow riding this train brought me to a place normally beyond reach, making the reality of these people accessable. Like looking up into the miniscule passenger windows of a plane flying overhead, in a flash I got this.
Wake-up call and breakfast pre-ordered, and pajamas on, I will be asleep soon. I heard a clock chime somewhere outside in the fog at 10 PM - hopefully this isn't going to wake me at every hour...
Wake-up call and breakfast pre-ordered, and pajamas on, I will be asleep soon. I heard a clock chime somewhere outside in the fog at 10 PM - hopefully this isn't going to wake me at every hour...
Monday, February 07, 2005
my own synchronized swim team
I just made the most delicious smoothie with pomegranate and orange juice, banana, yogurt, mango, blueberry and strawberry. Delish!
I felt a little stressy because I have to pack for my work trip and instead I am doing this. I have to drag my shit with me on the subway tomorrow, go to work, go to class, and then catch a cab to the train. Traveling is always exciting though - no matter where you are going. I also love to stay in hotels by myself. I don't know what that is about. When I was a kid, there was nothing more exciting in the entire world than staying in a hotel. The patterned carpet, matching bedspreads, mini shampoo and conditioner, tiny fridge...it was so much fun. The only thing that was more thrilling was the three-way mirror at my uncle's clothing store. When I stood in the centre of that mirror, there were millions of me...in every direction! All of the me's did exactly what I did, at the same time. It was like being a part of the rockettes, but bigger. I was the star of my own giant synchronized swim team - sans pool.
If I can figure out how to get the Internet working while I am away, I will write and tell you about all of the hot doctors I met.
I felt a little stressy because I have to pack for my work trip and instead I am doing this. I have to drag my shit with me on the subway tomorrow, go to work, go to class, and then catch a cab to the train. Traveling is always exciting though - no matter where you are going. I also love to stay in hotels by myself. I don't know what that is about. When I was a kid, there was nothing more exciting in the entire world than staying in a hotel. The patterned carpet, matching bedspreads, mini shampoo and conditioner, tiny fridge...it was so much fun. The only thing that was more thrilling was the three-way mirror at my uncle's clothing store. When I stood in the centre of that mirror, there were millions of me...in every direction! All of the me's did exactly what I did, at the same time. It was like being a part of the rockettes, but bigger. I was the star of my own giant synchronized swim team - sans pool.
If I can figure out how to get the Internet working while I am away, I will write and tell you about all of the hot doctors I met.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
my dry spell
Today is the dreaded Sunday and I awoke at 7:30AM hungover and in desparate need of water. I managed to go out for the day and walk around, have brunch, coffee, make granola, dinner and start packing to go away for work, but I did all of this feeling off. Sunday is sad enough, but I am always a little down after a night of drinking. I didn't even have that much but before I knew it I was the kind of drunk that you know you can't just go to bed. I forced myself to stay up and watch tv for a bit before I went to sleep, to give myself some sobering up time.
Last night I bumped into this guy I used to work with at a restaurant when I first moved here 8 years ago. It was so nice to see him. He was so genuinely excited to see me. He remembered so much about me. It made me feel great. It was one of those moments where you realize that you have an impact on people that you meet in life, even though you didn't realize it. He was my manager back then, and so much fun to work with. He wants to set me up with a Jewish friend of his - we will see.
A group of my friends went out for dinner last night. We were talking about sex. Everyone was putting in their 2 cents about a particular sexual position. I offered my opion and my friend's boyfriend Joey blurted out, "Rachel, how would you know? When was the last time you were even in a situation where that was a possibility?" I was mortified. For a second I just sat there stunned. I could see my friend giving Joey a look to tell him to shut up. I looked at him calmly and said, "Joey, you don't really have any idea what I do". I stayed calm, and even told my friend she could stop with the looks. Inside I was dying and I was truly fighting back tears. I will admit, there hasn't been much going on for me in that department in a really long time. I haven't had a serious relationship in years. I have, however, been dating off and on over the past few years so it hasn't been a completely dry spell. A long time ago I learned that the context and the person are important to me. Its not that I can only be with someone if we are in a serious relationship, it is more that I need to like the person. I need to feel a strong attraction. I need to feel ok with the situation.
I called my friend Josh this morning. I told him what Joey said. He listened to me cry, but then he gave me some good advice. It isn't that I haven't had the option or opportunity. It is that I made a conscious decision, based on previous experiences. This decision is not something of which I should be ashamed. Josh is good. Joey, on the other hand, really pisses me off. I find him so unpredictable. Sometimes he is so nice and fun, but every once in a while he throws me off. He can't be trusted. There was a table of people there! While some were my close friends, others were people I had just met. In fact, one of them was the guy that my other friend Derek works - the one I have a crush on. What an asshole!
Last night I bumped into this guy I used to work with at a restaurant when I first moved here 8 years ago. It was so nice to see him. He was so genuinely excited to see me. He remembered so much about me. It made me feel great. It was one of those moments where you realize that you have an impact on people that you meet in life, even though you didn't realize it. He was my manager back then, and so much fun to work with. He wants to set me up with a Jewish friend of his - we will see.
A group of my friends went out for dinner last night. We were talking about sex. Everyone was putting in their 2 cents about a particular sexual position. I offered my opion and my friend's boyfriend Joey blurted out, "Rachel, how would you know? When was the last time you were even in a situation where that was a possibility?" I was mortified. For a second I just sat there stunned. I could see my friend giving Joey a look to tell him to shut up. I looked at him calmly and said, "Joey, you don't really have any idea what I do". I stayed calm, and even told my friend she could stop with the looks. Inside I was dying and I was truly fighting back tears. I will admit, there hasn't been much going on for me in that department in a really long time. I haven't had a serious relationship in years. I have, however, been dating off and on over the past few years so it hasn't been a completely dry spell. A long time ago I learned that the context and the person are important to me. Its not that I can only be with someone if we are in a serious relationship, it is more that I need to like the person. I need to feel a strong attraction. I need to feel ok with the situation.
I called my friend Josh this morning. I told him what Joey said. He listened to me cry, but then he gave me some good advice. It isn't that I haven't had the option or opportunity. It is that I made a conscious decision, based on previous experiences. This decision is not something of which I should be ashamed. Josh is good. Joey, on the other hand, really pisses me off. I find him so unpredictable. Sometimes he is so nice and fun, but every once in a while he throws me off. He can't be trusted. There was a table of people there! While some were my close friends, others were people I had just met. In fact, one of them was the guy that my other friend Derek works - the one I have a crush on. What an asshole!
Friday, February 04, 2005
ugg
Being vulnerable. Getting caught up in the moment. Letting my hair down. Reinventing myself. Letting it go. Un-self-conscious happiness. Collective excitement. Just doing it. Now I wonder how I will get the salt and dirt off my uggs? I don't even want to try.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
balancing things
Instead of coffee I am taking a blog break. If I don't do something new for a few minutes I am going to fall asleep. I haven't posted in awhile so I will fill you in.
I did end up calling S. I left him a "breezy" message and he got back right away and invited me for dinner. I think I was right. I also went out with another guy - we will just call him boring. Anyway, boring was a set-up through a guy my friend was dating ("was" being the operative word). We went for a coffee and, although nice, I was underwhelmed. Later that week, my friend found out that this guy she was dating, who was supposed to be busy at work, was actually busy with someone else. Ouch.
My second date with S was similar to the first, just longer. He is really nice and funny etc... but shorter than I remember- in fact shorter than me. I am not very tall or heavy (5'6, 140 lbs.), so why is it so hard to meet a Jewish guy who is taller, and weighs more than I do??? Am I looking in the wrong places? Tomorrow night will be date number 3. I am going to take him out this time, for two reasons: the first is that he took me out the first two times, and the second is that, in case I decide not to do a fourth date, I will feel better balancing things.
I have become so self-sufficient that I almost don't feel lonely at all. That scares me a little. The other day, someone who has only been single for a short time described to me how sad they felt. As her eyes began to well up, so did mine. I was so close to tears and I am pretty sure it wasn't for her. I think I need to be open to that part of me to allow myself to be open to someone else. I need to back up a bit, toward my adolescent level of vulnerability. Please don't let me keep speeding ahead in my single life. Before I know it I will be 40. I imagine this process doesn't get any easier as more time goes by.
I did end up calling S. I left him a "breezy" message and he got back right away and invited me for dinner. I think I was right. I also went out with another guy - we will just call him boring. Anyway, boring was a set-up through a guy my friend was dating ("was" being the operative word). We went for a coffee and, although nice, I was underwhelmed. Later that week, my friend found out that this guy she was dating, who was supposed to be busy at work, was actually busy with someone else. Ouch.
My second date with S was similar to the first, just longer. He is really nice and funny etc... but shorter than I remember- in fact shorter than me. I am not very tall or heavy (5'6, 140 lbs.), so why is it so hard to meet a Jewish guy who is taller, and weighs more than I do??? Am I looking in the wrong places? Tomorrow night will be date number 3. I am going to take him out this time, for two reasons: the first is that he took me out the first two times, and the second is that, in case I decide not to do a fourth date, I will feel better balancing things.
I have become so self-sufficient that I almost don't feel lonely at all. That scares me a little. The other day, someone who has only been single for a short time described to me how sad they felt. As her eyes began to well up, so did mine. I was so close to tears and I am pretty sure it wasn't for her. I think I need to be open to that part of me to allow myself to be open to someone else. I need to back up a bit, toward my adolescent level of vulnerability. Please don't let me keep speeding ahead in my single life. Before I know it I will be 40. I imagine this process doesn't get any easier as more time goes by.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
studs
In just over a month I will be leaving to go south. I can't wait to smell that warm balmy air. Nothing in the world matches that. That being said, I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I may hibernate a lot of the winter away, but when it is 15 degrees below, I dress properly and genuinely say to myself, "this isn't so bad...I can deal with this". What a trooper!
So S hasn't called me. I was thinking at first that I should call him, but sometimes I do not want to be the one to make the move. I am still contemplating but if I don't call him by tomorrow than I think it is too late. I was thinking back, trying to figure out why he didn't call. I asked myself if maybe I was too talkative or too something... I stopped myself at that, because there is just as much of a chance of that being the reason as anything else. He isn't gorgeous or immensly charismatic, so maybe he was intimidated. There is just as much of a chance of that than the latter, so you know what? I will go with the intimidation version. It's not like I am going to change my performance for the next date, so take it or leave it. Hell! Maybe he didn't like my pink purse with silver studding and rhinestones. Like my new purse, people will either love me or hate me - either way, the purse and the personality are here to stay (well, in the case of the purse, here until I don't like it anymore).
So S hasn't called me. I was thinking at first that I should call him, but sometimes I do not want to be the one to make the move. I am still contemplating but if I don't call him by tomorrow than I think it is too late. I was thinking back, trying to figure out why he didn't call. I asked myself if maybe I was too talkative or too something... I stopped myself at that, because there is just as much of a chance of that being the reason as anything else. He isn't gorgeous or immensly charismatic, so maybe he was intimidated. There is just as much of a chance of that than the latter, so you know what? I will go with the intimidation version. It's not like I am going to change my performance for the next date, so take it or leave it. Hell! Maybe he didn't like my pink purse with silver studding and rhinestones. Like my new purse, people will either love me or hate me - either way, the purse and the personality are here to stay (well, in the case of the purse, here until I don't like it anymore).
Sunday, January 16, 2005
hairy doorknob
Back from the date and making lasagna. I can't even come up with a nickname for this guy. He just doesn't have any annoying quirks. That makes it sound like it was perfection (something I am truly not expecting). It wasn't, but iot was fun. S was really genuine, interesting, with a good sense of humour. I can not think of one thing about his personality that annoyed me, which must be a first. He wasn't pretentious, flaky, over-eager, insecure. All of that being said, while I wasn't necessarily physically attracted to him, I wasn't not attracted either (I know, double negative, but you get the point). It was only a coffee so expecting sparks in an hourn might be lofty. The only wierd thing is that when we were leaving, he didn't refer to a next time. I was waiting for him to say something after I thanked him for a nice time and he didn't. I guess that means he may or may not call. I would be happy to go out for a second date, so we will see how it all pans out.
I got this thing for may hair - it is kind of like a scrunchy elastic, but it has what looks like human hair all around it. When I put my hair up with it, it makes it look more full, kind of funky. It is kind of like a women's toupe...I will call it my "system". So I decided that the best place to store my "system" would be my bathroom doorknob where I keep hair elastics. It looks hysterical! I might scare my guests, but I find it amusing ever time I walk by. My friend is on her way down to see my hairy doorknob...and borrow a CD.
I got this thing for may hair - it is kind of like a scrunchy elastic, but it has what looks like human hair all around it. When I put my hair up with it, it makes it look more full, kind of funky. It is kind of like a women's toupe...I will call it my "system". So I decided that the best place to store my "system" would be my bathroom doorknob where I keep hair elastics. It looks hysterical! I might scare my guests, but I find it amusing ever time I walk by. My friend is on her way down to see my hairy doorknob...and borrow a CD.
the life of a single girl
I am going to hop in the shower in a minute - I have another date. I know less about this guys than the last blind date, but I did have a couple of phone converstations with him. He is my age and lives downtown. He seems nice and laid back. I have a good feeling from him personality-wise, but we all know that there is more to chemistry than that. I hope he is cute and not too short, because I really enjoyed talking to him. I guess the most exciting thing is that I didn't find him annoying in any way. He wasn't over-eeager at all. I don't often feel that way.
I still wish I could meet someone by accident. Blind dates and internet dating seem so artificial. I won't even go there with "speed dating". I can not bring myself to that. How people can describe that as fun is beyond me.
One of my friends since childhood just had her THIRD baby!!! I can't believe that. It is so far removed from the life I lead.
Another Sunday roles around and I have reading to do, dread of Monday to feel, and a date to get ready for. Aaaaah, the life of a single girl.
Stay tuned...
I still wish I could meet someone by accident. Blind dates and internet dating seem so artificial. I won't even go there with "speed dating". I can not bring myself to that. How people can describe that as fun is beyond me.
One of my friends since childhood just had her THIRD baby!!! I can't believe that. It is so far removed from the life I lead.
Another Sunday roles around and I have reading to do, dread of Monday to feel, and a date to get ready for. Aaaaah, the life of a single girl.
Stay tuned...
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