tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-93545862012-02-12T22:41:35.579-05:00to describe or represent something fleeting or intangible, in a lasting mediumRachelnoreply@blogger.comBlogger4881100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-28954866208020623142009-12-29T18:40:00.002-05:002009-12-29T22:10:57.068-05:00

I've had reader's-block for about a year, not to mention the writer's block. There is a growing pile of books on my nightstand that only the cleaning lady has ever touched. Recently when my ginger-haired shrink friend showed me how she reads books using her itouch, I was intrigued. I've wanted a kindle for a long time. It never occurred to me until the other day when I read an article in NOW

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com52tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-72502757735745861372009-12-20T19:35:00.005-05:002010-08-14T17:39:50.967-04:00

A lot has happened since I spoke to you last, dear blog.Normally if I post anything at all, or even think about it, I just sift through old material and see if anything resonates.But things have changed in many ways and so nothing feels quite right.I was doing well for a while there.Eating well, exercising, being social.I met someone and went away on a trip.But by the time I came home I had lost

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-75694492926621569222009-12-15T21:36:00.004-05:002010-08-14T17:40:28.396-04:00

The debauchery continues. On the way home tonight I stopped and bought myself a Cinnibon. Seriously? What the fuck was I thinking? I was doing so well. I went for dinner with some girlfriends to The Cottage on Queen East and had house smoked salmon and oysters with lemon. That's a great meal, and let me tell you, the selection was far from extensive-unless pork done 12 ways is your thing.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-8384249572084571212009-12-14T22:41:00.003-05:002010-08-14T17:32:38.191-04:00

Saturday morning I woke up to a violent thunderstorm. I went out on my balcony and took a marble sized piece of hail that had pinged against my bike and put it in my freezer. I went to the gym and ran for 45 minutes and then I met a guy I used to work with at Aroma later that day and because my plans for the night had fallen through and the last thing I wanted to do was laundry on a Saturday, I

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-70816358288192363642009-12-07T21:08:00.001-05:002009-12-07T21:35:23.886-05:00

I came home from the restaurant and I felt good, so I poured another glass of wine."I don't care", I said aloud. "I deserve to feel good, and I'll take something to sleep too, even if I shouldn't." There are so many things I would like to be doing now that I can't, but this is something I can do and I never really did anything I wasn't supposed to, so I feel like I deserve this. One more drink

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-64030633706546648952009-10-16T22:49:00.001-04:002010-08-14T17:43:39.736-04:00

The 6 week garbage strike was over and for a while there I thought we had managed to escape unscathed. With the rental apartment and the garbage shute I was thrilled to say I had suffered no indignity. The long weekend arrived and the strike had finally come to an end. To be honest I was sick of hearing about it. Who the hell needs to bank their sick days for retirement? They are SICK days, not

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-73717069410455598852009-08-08T22:59:00.009-04:002010-08-14T17:49:13.829-04:00

I'm a good girl. I hold your babies.I let your husband's inappropriate comments slide.I'm attentiveAnd just interesting enough.The wine helps.Everything seems so much more interesting after a few glasses.The suburban three bedroom houses.The two car garages.And nothing seems impossible to me.Like how I know there is someone out there for me.I can do all of the suburban things they do.I think I

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-14631526749826596762009-04-19T21:31:00.000-04:002009-04-19T21:31:07.941-04:00

In the beginning, he saidIt might make you worse than you already feel.Crawling out of your skinUnable to sit still.There is always the risk.But the chances are better with this one.If I have to stop, I am assured, it is the easiest.It takes weeks to leave your system.A vulnerable feeling, but if it pays offIt would bring a kinder existence.It's all in the half life, he tells me.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-55597858341749814392009-03-22T23:00:00.004-04:002009-04-19T21:13:37.949-04:00

Sill miss you dear blogI think about you everyday. I'm alright.I've picked myself up,But therein lies the problem. I clean up well.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-73811179659675193692009-01-05T22:27:00.005-05:002009-01-05T22:49:22.642-05:00

Just think. Tonight could have been your lucky night. Got home from the gym at 8 PM only to find my quadruple deadbolts were wide the fuck open. I remembered the notices around the building reminding us that a company was in today checking our smoke detectors. All I knew was that I was terrified to go inside. Also I was pissed at how half-hazard the process must be to forget to lock a door (which

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-50407194138107786702008-12-28T19:27:00.009-05:002008-12-28T20:44:44.260-05:00

On Christmas day, Harry and I were buying movie tickets when we bumped into an old friend of his who used to work for the Huffington Post. He was telling us about his blog, when Harry said, "blogging is a NYC thing. No one in Toronto blogs"."Sure they do", I said."Yeah, Toronto is actually a pretty blogger-rich city", Harry's friend added and then turned to me. "Do you blog?" "No", I said. I

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-1206499483244673742008-09-22T22:16:00.004-04:002008-09-22T22:31:29.507-04:00

Don Rickles was the highlight of the Emmy awards. I PVR'ed it and I am watching it in installments. I don't have the patience for three hours of this. Anyway, I loved Rickle's tribute to his wife of 42 years, Barbara "who sits all day on the Malibu sands with her jewelery, signaling ships".***I am liking my job more than I thought I would. I'm working directly with patients, I am involved in

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-18802157812900168962008-09-13T23:06:00.006-04:002008-09-13T23:28:09.281-04:00

I had such a good night. Both nights. Friday and Saturday. I love me my wine lately. For years I was the girl who ordered a diet coke with dinner, but no more. I love the way a glass of wine feels, especially on an empty stomach. Or two. Or three.And it goes down so smoothly. I think what it is, is that I have always been unable to let go and enjoy myself, but I am getting better at it, for

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-27341721917654440172008-09-07T22:43:00.000-04:002008-09-07T22:45:00.312-04:00

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-46066973083826748712008-09-05T22:01:00.004-04:002008-09-05T22:24:10.043-04:00

I've pretty much given up the dream of being chosen as a blogger "blog of note", what with the lack of posting (not to mention the lack of quality posting), however I do find some good reads there. I still hope to publish something someday besides a peer-reviewed journal article. I'm not sure if I ever told you that. Not sure if, in all of the years I've been posting, I bothered to mention that I

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-73613646474341880212008-08-26T21:43:00.001-04:002008-08-26T21:48:13.204-04:00

It was a good weekend. Sunshine and shoe shopping, drinks and dinners, a night at the movies, running, and tennis. Like Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, this summer has been a pleasant surprise. I have barely even noticed the rain.The only complaint I have is that the music of 2008 has been underwhelming. Imagine if I was back in summer camp. What would the great songs of the summer have been? Would

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-65693800235594141262008-08-24T12:15:00.002-04:002008-08-24T12:22:34.033-04:00

I just watched Flashpoint for the first time; a great new show on CBS. I heard or read something about it recently, I can't remember which, so I decided to PVR it. I am a huge fan of Law and Order type shows, particularly Law and Order SVU, so I am always willing to try out a new show of the same genre. Usually I am disappointed, but not this time. What a great show! I am so entirely impressed!

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-44867982865388239632008-08-16T08:59:00.000-04:002008-08-16T09:28:00.099-04:00

I am no longer going to waste my time reading something that I really don't enjoy. And more importantly, I am not going to feel bad about it. It's a lot like dating. Do you know how many second and third dates I have gone on because I should like the guy, for a variety of reasons ranging from his religion, to his good looks, to his success, to his 'great personality'? Yet here I am, still single.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-40369918306409853142008-08-15T22:25:00.002-04:002008-08-15T22:29:10.442-04:00

I had the most delicious lunch today - a braised beef brisket and carmelized onion sandwich from Black Camel.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-58769110936371661992008-08-03T10:09:00.006-04:002008-08-03T10:39:28.963-04:00

I am not going to bother to go in to where I have been and why I have taken such a long blogging hiatus. I'll save that for a rainy day or never, but something is coming up that I felt like writing about. Who knows if anyone is still reading, but if you are, feel free to give your two cents worth.Next week I am scheduled to take part in a massive study. If I consent, they will take a DNA sample

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-47656009772451302062008-07-08T21:49:00.004-04:002008-07-08T21:59:31.531-04:00

I ordered the new James Frey. I never read A Million Little Pieces. Not because of the controversy. I have no issues with his version of the truth because I know there is no such thing. I just never got to it. There are so many books sitting in my apartment just waiting to be read. But I haven't been able to commit to words as much as I normally do. I've been thinking of them, using them

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-24986840180328962192008-06-15T20:38:00.000-04:002008-06-15T20:39:18.562-04:00

It's taken me 33 years to come to this; to taste the truth. I know there is nothing we can do to rub the stains out, to prevent it from going to rot. I have to force myself to look at it, trust it, and let it be. Somewhere in there, between the mess of conception and a pile of dirt, there are moments so magnificent you couldn't possibly dream them up let alone devise them; harness them at best,

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-30127416696054927212008-06-03T21:57:00.000-04:002008-06-03T22:31:14.305-04:00

We cut between two buildings to get to St. Clair. There was this slightly frothy puddle in the ally. "Careful, don't walk in that", he said, a gentlemen-like warning. "Looks like someone took a leak"."I don't know why, but I was thinking it was a drool puddle."He looked at me, like what?"I know. I don't get it either. I was picturing Clifford the Big Red Dog or something." I shrugged. He laughed

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-60628320249833157682008-05-25T22:07:00.010-04:002008-05-25T23:06:56.660-04:00

It's always Sunday night that I feel a desperation to post something, last minute before the sleeping pill kicks in. Sunday night, the brink of a new week of unknown, where my constant state of anxiety makes the probable monotony to come the welcome alternative. Tonight I called my parents at a time that I thought they should have been home watching the news or reading in bed and there was no

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-58858684268113967432008-05-19T22:06:00.003-04:002008-05-19T22:11:12.738-04:00

There was a certain comfort I gotFrom cleaning out the bathroom.They were coming in the morningTo redo the ceiling in the shower.I took every single item out.All that was left was a tin sound.A hollow echo;An empty stomach;An aching beacon.I never know if I have come far or just gone in circles.I'm flying in the dark againOff the coast of NewfoundlandAnd most of the timeI can marvel in the thrill

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-7926872289042712012008-05-03T11:33:00.000-04:002008-05-03T12:01:31.850-04:00

I dropped a fake diamond stud down the drain; one of my favourite pairs of earrings. I could see it with a flashlight, sitting about 6 inches down, in a bed of who the hells knows what, on some kind of a ledge. I was running late for work. I put in another pair of earrings and decided to think about what to do during the day and come home with a plan.That night, I felt like I was at the hospital

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-49292303964752747052008-04-25T20:13:00.003-04:002008-04-25T20:17:44.477-04:00

Has anyone else noticed that the birds are louder this year?Maybe there are just more of them.Or maybe it's that the winter was so long and cold.It's a good sound.It makes it seem like everything is going to be alright.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-21688993341093422172008-04-19T12:06:00.000-04:002008-04-19T00:21:13.075-04:00

Anna called me mid-morning. I was preparing for my first big meeting with the head of the department. I was pressed for time but I put my notebook down. She was telling me about the house she was looking at when I remembered my dream."I had a dream last night that I was breastfeeding a newborn baby." For a moment I forgot about the meeting and I forgot about the phone, lost in the details; the

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-38641159843007170332008-04-11T20:13:00.004-04:002008-04-11T21:03:22.043-04:00

My two indents,One on the left hand side of the couch. One on the right side of my bed. Those are the two places I spend my timeAnd somehow the self-indulgent ramblings matterWhen there are no other people to bear witness.If I die tomorrrowWhat will I leave behind?The many items of clothingHundreds of booksHopeful furnitureBlue bag of recyclingCanned diced tomatoesZinfandel I've been saving for

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-14698394705691670462008-04-06T21:42:00.008-04:002008-04-07T19:46:06.200-04:00

This weekend was exactly what I needed. Sunshine, glorious sunshine. Double digit temperatures. Finally it feels like spring has arrived. I even saw a robin when I was running today. It was the first time I've been running outside since the fall. I bought some clothes for work, did laundry, pressed my own shirts for the first time since I worked in the restaurant industry ten years ago. In fact

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-45922825500669134402008-03-30T23:51:00.008-04:002008-03-30T12:05:23.095-04:00

On the train home I overheard a conversation between two guys, early thirties, one heavy, hair matted down with sweat at the front like a little boy coming in for a drink after playing outside. The other, thin, pale and powder dry, had a hint of a British accent. They both wore suits stuffed under their coats, which reminded me of when my mother used to make me wear a snow suit to school over my

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-42514114702779453612008-03-26T22:24:00.002-04:002008-03-26T22:27:28.999-04:00

You probably see it as a small black fleckIn a sea of swirling color;Flashing lights,Your name in lights,Memories to be made,If you see it at all.I do.It's all I can think about,That little black fleck.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-48029046418348153282008-03-23T21:01:00.010-04:002008-03-23T21:35:22.992-04:00

By the time I ever get up the inspiration to write, I've been sitting on my couch in the living room, curtains drawn, watching mindless television and drinking cups of instant coffee for so long I'm restless and I need to get up and do something before I feel like a complete failure. A sloth.'Go to the gym, you lazy ass', I tell myself. 'Are you even gonna leave the house today?'The phone rings

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-34633132712809693412008-03-19T22:35:00.004-04:002008-03-19T22:51:42.581-04:00

The first week on the job is going pretty well. I think the work is interesting already. I have my own office. It's small but it has everything it needs: desk, file cabinet, a wicker chair for patients or guests, and a beautiful abstract painting on the wall. It's hard getting used to a new space. I did what I could to make it my own. Re-arranged the thumb tacks on my bulletin board by color,

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-48605207036476058342008-03-15T19:24:00.001-04:002008-03-15T19:30:00.486-04:00

My parents are leaving for New Zealand tomorrow. My mother called me tonight to say goodbye. We pretty much had the same conversation tonight as we had three nights ago."I'm still trying to figure out what to wear on the airplane.""Are you kidding me? This is not a difficult decision to make. Did we not just discuss this? I said wear your lulu's and your zip-up with a tank top underneath in case

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-2867374939568333472008-03-12T23:23:00.002-04:002008-03-12T23:29:09.098-04:00

I am back in the country; back to the worst winter in 15 years. Just in time for a spring forward time change. Early for the second year in a row and with all of this snow I find the light confusing. But good.Tropical thunderstorms in Cuba and more snow in Toronto threatened to keep me there, but the plane took off. I never would have guessed I would find a week in a tropical paradise more than

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-57531262359597403842008-03-12T00:09:00.004-04:002008-03-12T00:13:22.061-04:00

I'm back, and I still have some time off, but I can't seem to come up with much to say.I think I am stuck in reverse. Instead of putting it out there or writing ferociously in my notebooks, I am reading and watching and listening. I am taking it all in. Filling up the tank or something like that, and I am relishing every minute of it.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-279230883910912582008-02-29T07:12:00.004-05:002008-02-29T07:21:52.341-05:00

I lived with roommates for most of my twenties. On the day we were moving out of our apartment to go our individual adult ways, when I used the phrase, 'It's the end of the world as we know it', I think it annoyed my old roommates. I've always found most people don't like to have their world shift while they are looking at it in the face. They'd sooner pretend the transformation wasn't happening.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-1309937603529807112008-02-25T22:32:00.007-05:002008-02-26T08:09:47.367-05:00

When I woke up I knew it was too early. I kept my eyes closed and waited. I got a faint urge to pee and I weighed my options. If I go to the bathroom I may wake up more but if I try to ignore it now it won't be long before the urge to pee wakes me up again, that is if I manage to fall back asleep at all. It's always a gamble.I got out of bed and limped to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet with my

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-73005286737465418152008-02-23T10:12:00.001-05:002008-02-23T10:12:23.995-05:00

Only on the coldest winter nights -10 degrees or lessFrom deep in the cement structure of my buildingComes a sporadic loud crack.I worry the whole building will break in half.I resent that I live in a place that gets that cold.I long for hot summer nights.How cold it is tonight.I feel sorry for the bicycle on my balconyProtected only by a thin blue tarpAnd a couple of badly placed bungee

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-54225170695899086002008-02-16T10:51:00.007-05:002008-02-16T11:15:18.204-05:00

Who would have thought that February, the cruelest and most desolate of months would bring such a gust of good in my life? I have been waiting to make sure it all came through in a pinch-myself sort of way before I said anything, but just before I left for London, on my last day of work, something happened that didn't really surprise me, yet was what I needed to make a decision. I won't go into

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-38256456094565159492008-02-14T21:58:00.003-05:002008-02-14T22:05:41.784-05:00

I used to hide out in the den at my father's teak desk, transfixed by the globe. After choosing the most exotic spot I could find I would pull the phone close and dial the toll free Holiday Inn number from the commercial; the one where they said they have locations all over the world."Holiday Inn, how may I help you?""Hi, do you have a hotel in Mozambique?", I would ask trying to sound adult-like

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-74088046595579059752008-02-10T21:24:00.000-05:002008-02-11T10:55:22.204-05:00

I stumbled across itTalking about job interviewsAnd how I struggled to get away from the officeWithout raising red flagsIn a sea of red flags.And then of my patients waitingIn pale green rooms.And how I do the best I can.It came in imagesAnd I drew him the outlineWith clumsy but sure words. This time I did not need his help.His eloquence, or his impeccable memory.I figured out what it is That

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-74497543335609349072008-02-02T08:09:00.000-05:002008-02-02T10:01:04.551-05:00

Not helping me want to get on a plane again. It is like someone read all of the transcripts of every therapy session I have ever had, boiled, diffused, and captured the essence de la Rachel and wrote it into a news segment. Seriously?Pilots are supposed to be the ones who have it all under control. How is it that this pilot managed to get ready for work, say goodbye to his family, find his way to

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-79050635788166759642008-01-29T21:12:00.000-05:002008-01-29T21:14:01.805-05:00

As a kid I used to obsess over travel brochures. You know those glossy booklets of tropical paradise? Any time we passed a travel agent I would take the sandals and sunquest brochures home and comb through them with encyclopedic determination.Encylopedic determination. I call it that because encyclopedias, and as I said occasionally travel brochures, is what I did with my need to know before

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-86427549876090858232008-01-21T22:19:00.000-05:002008-01-21T22:30:53.646-05:00

I had friends over for dinner Saturday, including a baby who has recently learned to crawl. In preparation for them I cleaned very carefully with a specific focus on my floors. One look at a baby's pant legs after they have been crawling around and everyone knows if your floors are dirty. As I cleaned I listened to music, checking on simmering pots, setting the table, letting the wine breath. Do

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-68807400790809943692008-01-20T10:06:00.000-05:002008-01-22T13:15:11.022-05:00

"2008 is going to be great", as I recall, was the brilliant tag line I came up with on New Years Eve, between glasses of good champagne and Romeo y Julietas on a London balcony. Sadly, at the party I went to, it caught on.So the party may not have been too crazy and my revelation or tag line, if you will, was not dramatic, but sometimes the truth is not dramatic.If you want drama, let's go back a

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-65483716109600437592008-01-17T22:01:00.000-05:002008-01-17T22:05:42.249-05:00

In my early 20s, when I first moved to the flat metropolis of Toronto, I worked in a big restaurant downtown near all of the major event venues, like theatres, the skydome, and the financial district. Originally I was hired as a hostess. The month I started they had some sort of oyster promotion going on and I had to wear a straw hat; a cross between a cowboy hat and a sombrero. Being from the

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-80388041480857692632008-01-15T21:18:00.001-05:002008-01-15T21:51:18.923-05:00

I went back to spinning today. Still didn't have my whole heart in it. Not loving the whole 'team spirit' thing."Keep it going!", she yelled in the microphone that was pinned to her skimpy lululemon top. "For ten. Nine. Come on people! Say it with me. Eight. Seven.""Fuck off" I said under my breath, wiping a line of sweat from my forehead. I mouthed the numbers when the instructor looked my way.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-61967119237988950512008-01-13T22:47:00.000-05:002008-01-13T22:54:19.216-05:00

As I made my final preparations for my overseas excursion, I did something I never thought I could do. I let two people read a poem I wrote. By "people" I do not mean the kind that know me through the blog. I mean people in my real life. This was huge for me. Along with a great bottle of wine, I gave my therapist a card with a poem printed and folded neatly inside. Under the title, I wrote, "by [

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-6734265066090772652008-01-12T09:50:00.000-05:002008-01-12T10:44:21.926-05:00

I do not believe it was youThat wrote those things.I am not mystified.No longer prone To over-inflatedExpectations.Now we can all breath a little easier.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-39437110585198533902007-12-25T12:24:00.000-05:002007-12-26T00:50:50.031-05:00

Josh picked me up outside my apartment in his police model sedan. "Are you practicing to be a Zeyde already? You are only 36, correct?" But really, I am 33 and have never owned a car, so who am I to judge?He greeted me with a kiss. I proudly handed him a birthday card with the message written in Hebrew. I didn't know I still had it in me, but the hebrew cursive just flowed. My hebrew school

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-22269513192885717332007-12-23T16:21:00.000-05:002007-12-23T16:42:15.402-05:00

It always amazes me how people can see things so differently. Most of the time I am thankful for it. This world would be boring and even more competitive if we all liked the same things.I've been to see a few movies lately, two of which were excellent and two of which were bad. So bad.Interestingly, the common denominator in all four is that they were well received by reviewers. I just don't get

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-44195831262826904352007-12-17T15:11:00.000-05:002007-12-17T15:28:15.378-05:00

Patting myself on the stomach, I wonder how long it will take me to undo the damage I've inflicted on myself. In line with my decision to cut myself a little slack lately, I refrain from thinking too hard on it. I have added chocolate and too many refined carbs back into my life. I feel obliged to mention my addiction to lasagna. I have even occasionally replaced my morning yogurt and blueberries

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-6505581909711394122007-12-09T21:21:00.000-05:002007-12-10T21:21:59.348-05:00

I recently discovered something on the interweb that could pull anyone out of a funk. Better than prozac. Everyone is doing it. You can too.PS: Seriously? The kid in the front row in the ballet class? He deserves some kind of award for enthusiasm. PPS: Bonus points for anyone who knows where the title of this post came from without googling.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-5450369142243857132007-11-25T21:20:00.000-05:002007-11-25T21:42:05.530-05:00

I sink deeper, until the water is just millimetres from grazing the phone."How do you spell his last name?", Lana asks."Colville. C-O-L-V-I-L-L-E. Like Belleville."I can hear her typing on the other end. I sink a hair deeper."Lana....I'm sinking....", I say in a faraway voice. "In case you don't hear from me again, thanks for being such a great friend.""Are you in the tub?""Uhuh". I slide back up

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-71832853133490911322007-11-24T23:02:00.000-05:002007-11-24T23:51:22.433-05:00

I just logged on to blogger and noticed I've had 666 posts. The number of the beast. I also missed my three year blogging anniversary, which was the other day. I love this blog. I love having a space to put myself and the opportunity to share with people now and then. Thanks for reading!It's Saturday night, and I made plans with a friend of mine to go to a movie. I tried to call her this

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-88286767613773431302007-11-23T12:29:00.001-05:002007-11-23T12:34:18.924-05:00

Before I forget, I should let you in on something I discovered this morning. If, like me, you do not have a dishwasher and you wash your dishes by hand in scalding hot water, I do not recommend washing dishes naked. I've had to learn this the hard way on more than one occasion.My intention this November was to write more often, NoBloMo (or whatever it's called)-style. I had no intention of making

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-66000965415956104572007-11-21T21:31:00.000-05:002007-11-21T22:45:10.070-05:00

I have not needed you like I didBut there were times When pretending you were next to meWas the only way I could fall asleep.I hate that it is one of the few things I have never told you.But there are some things I need to keep for myself.Sitting across from you I focus in on your socksOr your handsThe way you run your index fingerAlong the inside of your thumb.Your expressionWhen you stumble

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-90204904804641003542007-11-17T19:34:00.000-05:002007-11-17T19:30:16.753-05:00

I spent the morning cleaning, my afternoon at the gym, came home with my toes painted Malagra Wine red, and stocked the fridge with Stella, only to find out that the guy who has yet to be named even though he's been around long enough that he probably should be, called and canceled. He was supposed to come over for dinner and a movie but he has a bad case of the "shanghai flu" [aka a hang over].I

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-71840821202682259262007-11-16T21:34:00.000-05:002007-11-16T22:12:58.997-05:00

A friend of mine works for RIM, the makers of the blackberry. Last night they had a surprise concert for all of their employees. Each was invited to bring a guest. Lucky me, I was a +1. Turned out to be the Tragically Hip [one of my all time favourite bands] and Van Halen! What a great show. The only weird thing was that usually when you go see a show the audience is made up of fans. There were

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-45818504912090991132007-11-12T17:43:00.000-05:002007-11-12T21:25:07.880-05:00

I left work early today. It's so grey and damp outside. On the way home I did errands, wandering the aisles of the grocery store, list in hand. ApplesBananasYogurtMilkLentilsBlueberriesPeppersChevreSaltI love a good grocery list. I stifled yawns, maneuvering my cart around other customers. I wasn't in the mood to browse this afternoon. Often I am. I'll walk up and down every single aisle, lose

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-28053947115212252142007-11-06T22:12:00.000-05:002007-11-12T20:31:26.507-05:00

The carpets in his office have been replaced. I can smell it even before I open the door.Great."I've been witness to two new sets of carpets now. That doesn't bode well for my progress. Have I really been here that long?"He smiles."I could just leave", I tell him. "I was doing really well when you were on vacation. I'm starting to wonder...", I trail off.He raises his head ever so slightly to let

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-40372769186193105512007-11-04T21:13:00.000-05:002007-11-06T21:34:31.867-05:00

I invited him back to my place. We'd just seen a depressing movie and I knew it might be a hard switch into what a fourth date might involve. I turned on a good playlist and took out a chilled bottle of white."I feel bad that you're opening a whole bottle.""Don't feel bad. What's a bottle of wine for if you don't open it? Speaking of which, are you any good at opening these?""Yeah, I can do it.""

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-59496394779053810842007-11-03T15:13:00.000-04:002007-11-04T00:04:36.553-04:00

I dropped a make-up brush in the toilet.About the size of a pencil.I put on rubber gloves to retrieve itWhich only pushed it down further.I could no longer see it So I did what I thought was the next best thing.I flushed.After that the toilet acted up.Sometimes it just flushed slowly.Other times, the water level roseInstilling that sort of toilet water rising fear.For a while there was this

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-12937375655472132192007-11-01T19:58:00.000-04:002007-11-01T19:59:14.949-04:00

Lately I feel as though I have aged 10 years, but yesterday I got a few of them back in just one click of a mouse. I booked a trip to London. Spending that much money and making a spur of the moment decision right now was difficult, but as soon as I did it I knew it was exactly what I needed to do.In making that move something else came to me. I have two jobs. One in academia and one in a

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-33377067543825282462007-10-28T18:32:00.000-04:002007-10-27T21:42:32.540-04:00

My father left me messages trying to track me down, asking if he could stay with me. The father that I barely know. He said he was having a hard time finding a hotel. I live in a very small space. I've told him 'no' on a couple of previous occasions for that very reason, among others. As a 'father', why would he ask me for things he can see make me uncomfortable, forcing me to say 'no'? Why would

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-2595526987397625722007-10-25T23:34:00.000-04:002007-10-25T23:34:15.465-04:00

Like holding smooth stones in my mouthI envision biting off the end of my own thumb.Opening up the back of my throat.Swallowing it whole.Suspending the connection between the sensation And the idea.I've always been good at that. So many things I have become good at over the years. Surely there is a good use to which I can apply these skills.A way to use them to live a good life.A happy one.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-56692263214546956652007-10-22T21:15:00.000-04:002007-10-22T21:33:48.268-04:00

Struck with a terminal fatigue, I left for home on this beautiful October Monday, did two loads of laundry, ate a cadbury premium dark chocolate bar and did not go for a run. Sometimes you just need time to recover. I think I'll go to work tomorrow, but I leave the window open a crack to the possibility that I won't. I won't if I can't. But I probably will.My muscles are sore from playing touch

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-56268094642181485342007-10-21T21:29:00.000-04:002007-10-21T21:30:05.377-04:00

When you do not know what else to doYou make people hate you.It is what you knew first.Your default.The place you are most comfortable.And so I hate you.I fall for it every time.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-41163945258427093282007-10-19T23:32:00.000-04:002007-10-19T23:48:56.043-04:00

"So how was your night with Max?""It was good. I had a lot of fun with him.""Still feeling the chemistry?""Yeah, actually, I do. He's very cute.""Did you get a chance to feel his dick yet?""Lauren.""Well?""How old are you?", I counter, the pot calling the kettle black.I can hear her husband in the background, "Oh come on Lauren!""What?", she says to him, and then turns her attention back to me."

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-77986060760402906922007-10-14T17:18:00.000-04:002007-10-14T20:53:11.673-04:00

It was my turn to pick the place. "Name a couple of restaurants that you keep meaning to try", I asked a few of my friends.If there is one thing this city has a lot of, besides the homeless, its restaurants. It seems like every time I want to try something new I can never think of anything. I end up coming up with same names: Xacutti, The Drake, The Rushton... So this time I got a couple of ideas

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-31940127246319772492007-10-11T18:46:00.000-04:002007-10-11T23:15:25.675-04:00

I just got home and it is a rainy October night, already dark. I lay here on the couch in my underwear, hands still dirty from the subway, and I know if I turned on the lights and washed my hands I would feel better than I do, but I wait a few more minutes. I am reminded of when I was in grade school, waiting in the old lady's parlor for my piano lesson, hearing the sound of my mother's car pull

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-44147649525670845852007-10-10T22:01:00.000-04:002007-10-10T22:19:10.214-04:00

I carried my tennis racket And walked as fast as I could.I was ok for the momentWith the next few hours planned outLike kindergarden.I walked past a man and two kids On a porch on PalmerstonShading their eyes and pointing up.There in the deep grey sky sailed a navy blue blimp.This morning when I sat down at my deskThere were responses to two emails From the night beforeI could not remember

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-43990698808818058932007-10-07T17:06:00.000-04:002007-10-07T17:38:40.764-04:00

I've had a headache since Thursday. I still managed to make an appearance at Shoshanna's dinner party, despite the fact that I was the only single person in attendance if you don't count babies. I've also managed to keep running, bathing, and shaving etc... Maybe I don't need to be medicated afterall.I went out and bought a pair of shoes I will probably return, which is somehow more satisfying

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-61580506015072017282007-10-06T12:41:00.000-04:002007-10-06T13:19:50.470-04:00

I guess I took it pretty hard when Lauren's father died, but it was before that too. It's been a while. I startle easily lately. I mistake specks of dirt or a fallen leaf in my peripheral vision for a cockroach or some other dire threat. When PMS starts two weeks early and lags two weeks after, it's time to ask some serious questions. Even with my game face on, I'm hanging by a thread. "Let's

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-66567416050415645842007-10-01T20:45:00.000-04:002007-10-02T22:37:31.439-04:00

I woke up early, straightened up the apartment for the cleaning lady, went out to this fine linen store Shoshanna sent me to, under the premise that there was an amazing sale, which turned out only reduced the price of a set of sheets from $475 to $300. I can't imagine being in that kind of a sheet bracket. I'm not sure how Shosh is, but needless to say I didn't spend much time there. I ended up

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-76358328289114480682007-09-23T22:04:00.000-04:002007-09-23T22:27:13.953-04:00

I've gotten to the point where I can be honest with myself. Most of the time I can be honest with people around me too, even when it would be easier in the moment to smooth things over. I used to do that to save face or save feelings; mostly feelings.I've always been a bit of a hot-head, but now if I feel slighted, instead of internalizing it or displacing it on some innocent bystander, I usually

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-6015606436668821212007-09-18T21:31:00.000-04:002007-09-18T21:43:00.894-04:00

That guy I grew up with—the one I went sailing with a few weeks ago—called and left me a message before I went away, asking me if I wanted to get together. I had given him a copy of a mix cd I made this summer and he said he wanted to 'meet up to go over the playlist' so he 'could add the songs into itunes'. Initially when he invited me sailing I was worried he would think it was a date. I'm not

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-12442144221340741902007-09-16T20:59:00.000-04:002007-09-18T20:37:20.652-04:00

The phone rang at 12:03 AM. As a reward for cleaning the apartment spotless and getting my packing done I was sitting on the couch, watching Medium and taking my first bite of a dark chocolate bar. As soon as I saw her number, I knew something had happened. I was leaving the next morning. Lauren and I had coordinated our trips home for the holidays this year. Originally she was thinking to come

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-1159624105705663732007-09-05T20:47:00.000-04:002007-09-05T20:50:38.458-04:00

I would never do anything That would put Distance Between us.I've never been convincedAnyone would Follow.Instead I've perfectedThe technique ofRemoving obstacles.Greasing the way with My dreams.Making sureI am the path Of least resistance.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-2188816591781490562007-09-05T02:13:00.000-04:002007-09-05T07:22:38.456-04:00

Have you ever had insomnia, despite sleeping pills, straight vodka out of the bottle you keep in your freezer, hot flashes, an inability to sit still for more than 10 seconds, and a complete fucking temper tantrum after three hours of trying to sleep that had you throwing things and screaming words you could never begin to think about sharing on your blog?Yeah, well...neither have I...

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-71137144310626862932007-09-03T18:30:00.000-04:002007-09-03T18:40:09.223-04:00

Lately I've been craving sashimi. Or ceviche. I have this thing for raw fish.Speaking of fish, I had a great time sailing today, although once we got around the island airport the water got choppy and it left me feeling a little queasy, but it was really fun. I steered the boat and pulled the sails up with the ropes. I did all kinds of things I barely understood, but I've always been good at

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-61853173250516417302007-09-02T10:15:00.000-04:002007-09-02T10:32:45.207-04:00

In an email to Harry, I Freudian-typed "never mine" instead of "never mind". I mean seriously, no matter how I swing it, I am transparent. I used to get so angry at myself when I let my cover slip. Not that I really knew it was a cover in the moment, I was just angry that I was not who I wanted to be. But I have come to a degree of comfort with the truth. I am no longer frightened by the

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-90798541356652262852007-08-25T22:07:00.000-04:002007-08-25T10:12:02.899-04:00

There's an old friend of mine who I recently spent time with, and I have to telll you, being with her is hard. We truly grew up together, best friends from the fourth grade on. We when through puberty together and through our rocky teens. We spent years obsessing over our bodies, our weight, and every single thing we put in our mouths. I was always the thin one. She was more of an average sized

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-153853051786070522007-08-19T16:21:00.000-04:002007-08-19T16:34:37.901-04:00

I'm not checking facebook. I realize I don't really care right now to see how other people are living their lives. I almost checked because for a minute I thought I cared, but I don't.I care instead about getting a run in before I meet my brother for a movie. I care that I played a decent game of tennis with my new visor, that keeps the sun off my face and my hair from getting in my eyes.I care

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-46947145203437665202007-08-16T23:01:00.000-04:002007-08-16T23:01:05.137-04:00

I hurt my back at work last weekend and I knew I shouldn't be playing tennis so soon with all of the sporadic twisting, but it was perfect weather, I needed the exercise, and I wasn't going to sit at home and watch television, so I decided to give it a try. I warmed up and stretched carefully but as soon as I started, I knew I should probably stop. It was hurting with every swing of the racket. I

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-87219955755209279822007-08-08T20:24:00.000-04:002007-08-09T23:29:59.691-04:00

The battery on my ipod died while I was on the treadmill. When I got home I took it out of my bag to re-charge it and on the screen, in an over-sized, uneven and entirely unfamiliar font, it was written, "TRAMPASS".Trampass? I know, it's hard to believe. You wouldn't expect such a strong opinion from an electronic.Well, feast your eyes:

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-37499632856225512832007-08-07T19:51:00.002-04:002007-08-07T21:44:50.226-04:00

I made my way into the bowels of the city. The subway station was lined thick with people in their business casual. I walked to my spot, not once taking note of a face. In my peripheral vision I saw two forms leaning in to each other, the girl standing on her tip toes, helpless, her forehead pressed into his chest. I closed my eyes, my back against the wall. The tiles were damp with humidity and

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-88961818003173052712007-08-05T21:20:00.000-04:002007-08-06T09:37:14.143-04:00

Why do the people in my building have to be such a bunch of losers? I mean seriously, it is a Sunday night of the long weekend, which is pretty much a Saturday night for all intents and purposes, and I [who I already know is a loser] sorted my dirty clothes and dragged them all the way down to the basement of my building only to find all the machines in use AND a line-up. At 10 PM. What the hell

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-83813233644912794482007-08-04T07:14:00.000-04:002007-08-04T07:19:20.101-04:00

I'm off to Buffalo. Gotta love Westeren New York. Try not to be jealous.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-11637356238174321212007-08-01T21:22:00.000-04:002007-08-01T21:31:55.206-04:00

I recently read something on another blog that frightened me. It was how someday, eventually, someone you know is GOING to read your blog. The thought of that possibility horrifies me to no end. It scared me so much that this afternoon I wanted to immediately remove my post from the other day; the one about the problem I have with my friend "Shoshanna". I wanted to go back into my archives and

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-59890221447969861412007-07-30T22:42:00.000-04:002007-07-30T22:54:47.915-04:00

The kitchen floor felt dirty under my feetStanding at the sink waiting for the toast to pop.I put down my coffee and went to the hall closet for the dustpan. I crouched down on the floor to sweep. There, along with some crumbs Were two tiny black metal springs. I live alone.No one else has been here for days.For the life of meI could not imagineWhere they came fromThese springs. But then I

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-23491282152302690052007-07-29T09:03:00.000-04:002007-07-29T09:52:25.999-04:00

I'm starting to question the relationships in my life. There's one girlfriend of mine at the front of that line. We have known each other for years. We always moved in distinct but parallel circles growing up on the east coast, only developing a relationship when she moved to Toronto a few years after I did. We saw each other a few times when she was new to the city but she was in a relationship.

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-77570514699455384082007-07-23T21:35:00.000-04:002007-07-23T21:46:44.232-04:00

I watched the You Tube debate tonight. Three things: I'm impressed with Hilary Clinton; I felt bad for Joe Biden when he mentioned that his wife and daughter died; and I love the format; everyone gets their opportunity to ask the candidates questions. That's really all I care to say about that.I'm going to bed. I didn't sleep well last night. I played a solid game of tennis tonight [still had my

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-67506717885548275712007-07-19T22:21:00.000-04:002007-07-19T22:39:35.568-04:00

He was out all night, he told me.By morning he was still too high to drive home.So he walked west along the waterAs the sun came up.He stood at the shoreThe sleeping towers of the city at his back.It was so quiet he could actually hear the sound of the water.And he could hear the smoke Rise up through the mouth of the smoke stacksLike the sound of tearing paper.He continued west toward SpadinaAnd

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-31434611595628242642007-07-15T17:41:00.000-04:002007-07-15T17:56:24.357-04:00

So I'm biking down Dupont east of Ossington this afternoon when these big dark clouds appear out of nowhere. Of course this time the shitty forecasters DIDN'T call for rain, but rain it did. All week they've been crying rain and all week I lugged my umbrella to work and back for nothing. So I'm riding my bike and it's spitting and I'm listening to my new favourite metric song, the twist, in my

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-1152629251386377992007-07-10T09:56:00.000-04:002007-07-10T21:42:33.121-04:00

I packed my things for work, got my bike from the balcony, and headed for the door. I stopped in my tracks. Did I leave my stove on? I backed up a couple of steps and craned my neck to look into the kitchen. Stove not on. Something was not right. It came to me that I should call my mother. I leaned my bike up against the wall by the door and walked over to the phone and dialed."Hello?""Hi Mom.""

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-76062373688975035272007-07-08T12:32:00.000-04:002007-07-08T12:27:34.685-04:00

So I pretty much met my entire blog readership on Friday night, which was great since I've known them 'computorially' for a long time. I couldn't pass up the opprtunity to put faces to font. I met JC, his cousin T of no known blogging address, Sunshine, and a special guest. They were as I imagined they would be, but funnier. I joined them for drinks, served by a Julie Delpy look-alike, with a

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9354586.post-6194044499398872422007-07-01T12:42:00.001-04:002007-07-01T15:08:33.161-04:00

Working in the hospital again may not mean big money, but it sure puts me back in alchohol swabs. Man, did I miss those little individually packaged for convenience squares of antiseptic heaven.Last night, after a great last training shift, I said my goodbyes to my coworkers and my many thanks and sat down at the front desk [always a mistake as you're a sitting duck] and checked my schedule. One

Rachelnoreply@blogger.com2